Friday laughs

Car names explained

Audi
* Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW
* Big Money Works
* Bought My Wife
* Brutal Money Waster
* Bimbette Motor Weapon
* Break My Window

Buick
* Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

Chevrolet
* Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
* Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
* Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
* Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology

Dodge
* Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
* Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
* Dead or Dying Gas Eater
* Dear Old Dad’s Geriatric Express

Fiat
* Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
* Fix It All the Time
* Fix it again, Tony!

Ford
* First On Recall Day
* First On Race Day
* First On Rust and Deterioration
* Fix Or Repair Daily
* Found On Road, Dead
* Fault Of R&D
* Fast Only Rolling Downhill
* Features O.J. and Ron’s DNA
* Found On Russian Dump

GM
* General Maintenance
* Great Mistake

GMC
* Garage Man’s Companion
* Got A Mechanic Coming?

Honda
* Had One Never Did Again

Hyundai
* Hope You Understand Nothing’s Driveable And Inexpensive

Mazda
* Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

Oldsmobile
* Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere
* Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick’s Irregular Leftover Equipment

Pinto
* Put In New Transmission Often

Pontiac
* Poor Old Neanderthal Thinks It’s A Cadillac

Saab
* Send Another Automobile Back
* Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
* Sorry Arsed Auto Builders

Toyota
* Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

Volvo
* Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
* Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners

VW
* Virtually Worthless

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What Doctors Say… and what they’re really thinking

“This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

“Welllllll, what have we here…?”
He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.

“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.

“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time..or..I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.

“I have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.

“Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have 40% interest in the lab.

“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up.

“This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

“This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

“Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.

“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

“Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me…”

“There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.

“If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week!

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10 Reasons Why it Sucks to be a Vampire

10. When you wake up, your hair is always the same shape as the top of your coffin.

9. Early evening blood breath, that Listerine just won't get rid of.

8. Your dentist insists on filing down "those outsize canines".

7. The Goth crowd you hang out with doesn't think you're that cool after a couple of weeks......

6. You never get a chance to cash in at all-you-can-eat overnight buffets.

5. Your mortal S.O.'s get upset when all you want to do is neck.

4. You smell musty

3. You tend to embarrass yourself when you try to turn into a bat and you end up transforming into a Louisville Slugger.

2. You keep tripping over your cape.

1. Let's face it, you suck.

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