29 august 2009

Supersizin', no exercisin' ...

Exista un mit al "dezvoltarii" femeii dupa casatorie. Daca pana atunci toate incerca sa arate cat mai dichisite, aranjate, trase pe sfoara, stilate, cu bun gust, etc, dupa ce au prins barbatul de picior si l-au incatusat cu verigheta, incepe descatusarea si femeia tinde spre dimensiunile unei balene. Iata totul transpus intr-o melodie mult prea haioasa de catre Rodney Carrington.

PS: Totul este un mit. Nimic din randurile de mai sus nu este dovedit :)


28 august 2009

Friday laughs

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact.

" Marion …Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed."

"That’s wonderful! What’s it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course .. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you’d be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to golf course again. Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob you must be in Heaven!"

"Not exactly … I’m a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona ."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After rewieving his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. "Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Pete was furious. "If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."

After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass of.

"Why is it so god damn cold down here? "Pete asks.

"Well you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:


He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads


Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:


His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:


He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you,my son? '

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:



***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Funny ads:

Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.

Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.

Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.

Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.

Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.

Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.

Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.

Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.

Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.


Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.

Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.

Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.

Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."

Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.

Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.

Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"

1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.

Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.

Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.

Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

10 Business Rules to Live By:

1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

2. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

4. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

5. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

6. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

7. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

8. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

9. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

10. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"

So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had won $5000 in the statewide safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.

"Oh don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart alec when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned,"I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car.

At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish,"Are we over the border yet?"

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Things You Don't Wanna Hear During Surgery:

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.


Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Damn, there go the lights again....

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them.

What do you mean you want a divorce?

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?

OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature!

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Darn! Page 147 of the manual is missing!

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

via via via via via via

21 august 2009

Bipedul de stadion

Dinamo mai adauga un nume la lista interminabila a rusinilor europene. Elfsborg, NEC Nejimegen (neica nimeni dupa spusele altora), Knattspyrnufelag (e greu si de scris si, mai ales, de pronuntat; mai pe scurt, o echipa de pescari islandezi), 17 Nentori, nume care au ajuns la urechile microbistului roman si au ramas intiparite in memorie doar prin victoriile repurtate asupra cainilor. Pentru islandezi, Dinamo a ramas unica echipa eliminata de catre ei in cupele europene. Este si o sarbatoare aniversara in cinstea acestei performante. Ieri seara, lista rusinii are un nou memebru: Slovan Liberec.

Si cum performanta negativa a dinamovistilor din teren nu era suficienta, au iesit la iveala si malacii din tribune. Daca echipa nu reuseste, s-au gandit ca macar ei sa bata pe cineva. Huliganismul bipezilor de stadion si-a aratat adevarata fata. Majoritatea suporterilor se prezinta la meci doar pentru a face scandal. Daca-i intrebi la sfarsit, nu stiu nici cum ii cheama dar stiu ca trebuie sa injure, sa strige, sa se umfle-n pene si sa bata orice apuca. Stadionul devine locul revarsarii frustrarilor de peste saptamana. Si galeria le da putere. Cu cat fac mai urat, cu atat sunt priviti mai bine si dobandesc alt statut in gasca. Si daca nu esti ca ei, esti privit ca un gunoi si tratat ca atare.

Din pacate aici nu e vorba doar de Dinamo. Din partea mea, sa piarda si la 10 goluri diferenta. Problema e ca reprezinta Romania. Si in vest suntem toti priviti la fel. In memoria altora va ramane doar romanii, nu dinamovistii. Televiziunile vor arata imagini cu ce ceea ce se intampla in Romania, nu in soseaua Stefan cel Mare.

O alta problema e ca sufera un intreg stadion pentru 20-30 de teribilisti. Eu, ca suporter stelist, sunt privat de dreptul de a vedea 3 meciuri din Ghencea. De ce nu se poate lua o masura serioasa doar impotriva celor vinovati? Ce vina au ceilalti 95% din oamenii de pe stadion? Cat de greu poate fi sa verifici niste bannere la intrarea pe stadion? Sau sa nu lasi anumiti huligani sa intre? E proprietate privata si clubul poate face ceea ce doreste. Suporterul a ajuns sa considere intratul pe stadion un drept, nu un privilegiu.

Sper ca UEFA sa reusesca ce n-am fost noi romanii in stare sa facem singuri. Sper ca Dinamo sa primeasca o suspendare exemplara, Borcea sa se trezeasca, sa realizeze ca echipa e la pamant si sa se ia niste masuri drastice acolo. Tot schimband antrenorii nu rezolva nimic. Pregatirea pentru Chapions League va fi pe o perioada nelimitata. Trebuie schimbat tot, de la conducere incepand si terminand cu jucatorii. Dinamo are mai mult staff tehnic si oameni de conducere decat jucatori in lot. Aici e o problema. Si o alta mare problema e mentalitatea jucatorilor dinamovisti. Cocolositi si aparati de conducatori, ei se cred stapanii echipei. Au devenit mai cunoscuti prin prestatiile lor din afara stadionului decat pentru ceea ce sunt platiti prin contract. Si ne dovedesc adevarata lor valoare in sirul interminabil de insuccese europene.

Friday laughs

A man walked into a bar room one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks”. The bartender said, “No problem sir, but I’ll need to see some money first”. The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?”, asked the bartender. “I’m a professional gambler”, replied the man. The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?”. “Well, I only bet on sure things” said the guy.

“Like what?” asked the bartender. “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye.” The bartender thought about it. “OK”. So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. “Aw, you screwed me”, said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. “I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye” said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet”. So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. “Aw, you screwed me again”. “That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the $100″, said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop”.

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “OK, you’re on”. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me $500!”. The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s OK. I just bet each of the guys in the poker room $1000 that I could piss all over you AND the bar AND still make you laugh!”.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

One day, a guy decided that it was time to ask his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

The kid started crying, shouting “I don’t want to know- Promise me you won’t tell me.”

Confused, the father was already preparing to fight off some serious speech anxiety , but this reaction left him completely baffled, so he asked what was wrong.

His kid went on to explain- “when I was 6, I got the there’s no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there’s no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the there’s no tooth fairy speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don’t have sex, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A woman goes to the doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I’ve got a strange problem and I need your opinion.” “Can you describe the symptoms to me?” he asked.

“Well, it’s easier if I show you,” she said, and standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear, she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs.

“They don’t hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them.”

The doctor peered closely at the two circles and asked, “Are you a lesbian, by any chance?”

Embarrassed and slightly taken aback by this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs, she replied, “Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?”

“Well, I’m afraid you’ll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren’t real gold.”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

An 87-year-old woman came home from bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She pushed him off a balcony on the 20th floor of a seniors' apartment tower, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on a murder charge, the judge asked if the woman had anything to say in her defence.

"Yes, your honour. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex, he could also fly."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth extracted. The dentist takes out a syringe to give the man a shot. "No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when your tooth comes out."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.

He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."...

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A young doctor was to take up his new position in a small community hospital in a town.

The retiring older doctor suggested the young one to accompany him on his rounds for a couple of weeks to understand the finer points of practice in a small community and at the same time for him to meet a few patients.

At the first visit to a farmers house the farmer’s wife complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The senior doctor thought for a moment or two and said, ‘Well I think you've probably been eating too much of bananas , try to cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that helps"

As they left the young doctor was absolutely surprised and asked his senior , "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you make your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. I dropped my stethoscope on the floor by mistake and when I bent over to pick it up guess what I saw in the trash bin – at least half dozen banana peels. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Oh” the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever, maybe I'll try that at our next house visit”.

The next day they did another house visit.. Both spent several minutes talking with a young pretty lady who was complaining of lack of energy and tiredness for the past few days for no real reason. She said " Doc, I'm feeling terribly run down lately, I don’t know why “

The older doctor said “Oh, I am sure there is good reason but for someone as youthful as you this cannot be a serious reason”

The young doctor on this responded, "I think sir there is, she is probably been doing too much work for the church, perhaps she cut back a bit and sleep a little more and see if that helps". The girl went slightly red and said nothing and just nodded.

As they left, the senior doc surprised at this said, "Your diagnosis is probably correct, but how did you arrive at it? "

"Well, just like you did at the last house, I also dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to pick it up, guess what I saw”

“What did you see?”

“I noticed the preacher under the bed!!"

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud: "Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".

The man said, 'Build me a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra.

'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said the pharmacist,' but a quarter tablet will not give
you a full erection.'

'I'm 96 said the old man. 'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers!'

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

It was 5 o'clock in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, And the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walked in and bellowed, "This is a birthday suit inspection! I wanna see you all formed up outside and butt naked now!"

The soldiers quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.

The sergeant walked out and yelled, "Close up the ranks and conserve your body heat!" The soldiers complied and moved closer together.

The captain appeared with his swagger stick. He walked up to the first soldier and whacked him right across the chest. " Did that hurt?" he yelled.

"No, Sir! "

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

The captain then walked up to the next soldier and whacked him right across the chest. " Did that hurt?" he yelled.

"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

The captain was rather impressed with the toughness of the soldiers; so he walked up to a third soldier. The captain noticed that the soldier had an enormous erection, so naturally he gave his target a huge whack with the swagger stick. " Did that hurt?" he yelled.

"No, Sir! "

"Why not?"

"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

via via via

19 august 2009

Ce poate sa insemne "virgin"

Vine unul din acele momente in care copilul pune o intrebare incuietoare. Parintii sunt pusi in situatii delicate si trebuie sa gaseasca o explicatie cat de cat plauzibila, apropiata de realitate si relatata astfel incat copilul sa inteleaga. De exemplu, "Ce inseamna virgin?". Daca intrebarea vine de la o fetita e si mai delicata. Parintele se preaface ca nu aude, incearca incet-incet sa se apropie de realitate, sa dea o forma cat mai frumoasa, sa faca niste asocieri cat mai apropiate perceptiei copilului si tot asa. Dar daca nu era totusi momentul pentru o asemenea explicatie?


14 august 2009

Friday laughs

The following questions were actually posed by real-life lawyers and are taken from official court records

Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?

Lawyer: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
Witness: It indicates intercourse.
Lawyer: Male sperm?
Witness: That is the only kind I know.

How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male or female?

Lawyer: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Defendant: That’s me.
Lawyer: Were you present when that picture was taken?

How many times have you committed suicide?

Lawyer: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
Witness: I’ll be three months on November 8.
Lawyer: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?

You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Lawyer: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

An unhappy wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. “What’ll you have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

“Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A woman asks her husband, “Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?”

He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At lunchtime she again asked if he would like something. “How would you like a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?”

Again he declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for food.”

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken?”

He declines again. “Naw, still not hungry.”

“Well,” she says, “would you mind letting me up? I’m starving.”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

What if famous companies made toasters:

If Oracle made toasters… They’d claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you’d discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters… They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If IBM made toasters… They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters… You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters… The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Thinking Machines made toasters… You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters… They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters… It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters… Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

If Sony made toasters… The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters… They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters… ‘Baby’s First Toaster’ would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If Microsoft made toasters… Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn’t have to take the toaster, but you’d still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster’95 wouldweigh 15000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters… It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

God texts the ten commandments

1. no1 b4 me. srsly.

2. dnt wrshp pix/idols

3. no omg’s

4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)

5. pos ok – ur m&d r cool

6. dnt kill ppl

7. :-X only w/ m8

8. dnt steal

9. dnt lie re: bf

10. dnt ogle ur bf’s m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob.

M, pls rite on tabs & giv 2 ppl.

ttyl, JHWH.

ps. wwjd?

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $3.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

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A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane took off the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

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An old guy had an appointment to see the urologist. As he approached the reception desk he saw that the woman there was large, unfriendly, and resembled a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.


All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, though, and in an equally loud voice, said:


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Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either

Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a time...'. A southern fairytale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh!t.'

Q.. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A.. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the UnitedStates

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him once more.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes, and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?"

She replied "Up."

This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing! What gives?"

She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f*ck or drown."

12 august 2009

De ce e nevoie ca femeile sa mai si asculte barbatii

Un american pleaca intr-o excursie de vreo 2 saptamani prin Europa. Tipul nu are acces la internet si telefon pe toata durata vacantei (s-a zgarcit la roaming). Prietena ramane acasa. Una din marile hibe ale ei e la capitolul ascultatul prietenului. O alta ar fi prostia. Iata ce a iesit cand fetita s-a trezit brusc fara vreo cale de comunicare si fara vreun semn de viata de la prieten:


10 august 2009

Lend of chois

Parcarea "garcea style": se ia una bucata Logan de 70.000 euro, una+ bucati garcea tinuti la dirijat intersectia in canicula si se impreuneaza. Neuronul, stomacul si volanul vor gasi intotdeauna cel mai scurt drum pana la prima shaormarie. A se observa parcarea perpendiculara pe trotuar si statia ratb de langa. Sa nu mai vorbim de indicatoarele de pe stalp. Dar nimic nu se poate pune intre saorma si foarea umflatului.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Atentie! Firefox musca!

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Oare ce experienta e necesara pentru a avea grija de un copiil chines?

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Low-cost protection. Sau cum sa faci de rusine o masina.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Cand se-ntalneste valoarea si bmwu, oglinzile sunt inutile. Barosanii n-are nevoie de asea ceva. Tu tre sa fii atent la barosan, nu el la tine.

7 august 2009

Friday laughs

Universal laws

Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. (or in my case the kids and the dog walk in)

Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will..

Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over while those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and who stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Starbucks Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A small zoo in Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Billy Bob Burnett, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the turtle cages. Billy Bob, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Billy Bob was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Billy Bob showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

“First”, Billy Bob said, “I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.” The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

“Second”, he said, “She must wear a ‘Dale Earnhardt Forever’ T-Shirt.” The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

“Third”, he said, “you can’t never tell no one about this.” The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

“Fourth”, Billy Bob said, “I want all the children raised Southern Baptist.” Once again it was agreed.

“And last,” Billy Bob said, “I’ll need another week to come up with the $500.00.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her.

The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is okay with him.

The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they were honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married.

On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard.

Finally, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

When she became conscious, the guy asked, "I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?"

The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby."

The guy replied, "That’s right it’s 8 pounds and 21 inches long."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A man woke up one morning, looked out the window, and saw a huge gorilla in the tree in his back yard. Feeling very nervous, he grabbed the phone book and looked up ‘gorilla exterminators’ in the Yellow Pages.

He called the exterminator, who said he would be right out. The exterminator arrived in a van, hopped out, and opened the door. He took out a large net, a shotgun, and a fierce-looking dog.

“OK”, he said, “this is how it works, I climb the tree and shake it and the gorilla falls to the ground. The dog runs over and bites him in the groin. While he’s disabled, you throw the net over him. I’ll come down and we’ll tie him up”.

As the exterminator started up the tree, the man called, “What do I do with the shotgun?”

The exterminator said, “Sometimes when I shake the tree, the gorilla shakes it back and I fall out of the tree. If that happens …… you shoot the dog”.

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she.

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Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard.

"I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America . MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’ GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this kid)

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I.. ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE:All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

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The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven…which part of your body goes first?”

Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”

“Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?”

Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”

“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your feet.”

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. “Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?”

Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night Mommy and her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, “Oh ! God, I’m coming!”

“If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.”

The nun fainted.

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A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment ‘RENT FOR APARTMENT’.

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

Dear Madam;
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 – it had never been occupied;
#2 – there was plenty of heat; and
#3 – it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that:
#1 – it had been previously occupied,
#2 – there wasn’t any heat, and
#3 – it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir:
#1 – I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 – As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 – Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady…

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Offtopic: Daca tot s-a prelungit concursul organizat pe blogul lui Bobby Voicu, m-am gandit sa ma inscriu si eu. Premiul e un monitor LG M2294 cu tunner TV incorporat si diagonala de 22 inch.