30 mai 2009

They've got talent

"Britain's got talent" isi va desfasura in aceasta seara finala celei de-a treia serii dupa ce in aceasta saptamana s-au desfasurat si cele 5 semifinale. Daca ar fi fost un show autohton s-ar fi tras de el vreo cateva saptamani. Englezii au comprimat totul intr-una.

Am vizionat toate prestatiile din semifinale si pot spune ca in finala sunt cei mai buni. In acelasi timp avem deja artisti mai buni decat castigatorii primelor 2 serii. Susan Boyle are o voce mult mai buna decat Paul Potts, cantaretul de opera castigator din prima serie iar Aidan Davis, pustiul dansator de 11 ani, este mult mai talentat decat George Sampson castigatorul seriei 2.

Pe langa cei mentionati mai sus mai sunt si alti concurenti foarte talentati. Avem 2 grupuri de dansatori foarte bune si inca 2 copii cu niste voci exceptionale. Din pacate, acestia cred ca-si vor imparti voturile, pierzand astfel din sansele la marele premiu.

Favorita serii ramane fara discutii, Susan Boyle. Are un public fidel si va fi foarte greu pentru ceilalti concurenti de a smulge voturile acestui public.

Favoritii mei sunt insa altii. In primul rand ar fi Julian Smith. Este cel mai bun instrumentist din toate seriile de pana acum. Este un saxofonist excelent, e modest, muncitor si a luptat intotdeauna pentru tot ce-a reusit sa obtina. Daca vreun instrumentist are vreo sansa de a infrunta cantaretii si dansatorii, atunci Julian e acela.

Ceilalti favoriti ai mei sunt Stavros Flatley Este o combinatie intre muzica greceasca si dans irlandez. Dupa cum s-a exprimat Simon "rubbish but briliant". Sunt foarte amuzanti, neobisnuiti, inediti adica exact ceea ce inseamna si concursul. Nu cred ca vor castiga dar finala n-ar fi avut farmec fara ei. Si, dupa cum a spus Piers, "I’d pay 1 million pounds to see the Queen’s face when they run out in their Cypriot tunics at the Royal Variety Show."

Pe site-ul oficial al emisiunii, prestatiile se uploadeaza pe masura desfasurarii concursului. Totul incepe la 9. Sa-i urmarim!

29 mai 2009

Friday laughs

In a train compartment, there are three men and one ravishing young girl. The four passangers join in a conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs." Men being what they are, they all pull out a ten-dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her undies.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

Naturally, all three fork over the money, and then the girl turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "There!"

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 276, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!”


Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully until the voices tell you which number to press.

If you are borderline, it doesn’t matter which number you press– no one will answer.

If you are manic-depressive, please press 7 as fast as you can for the next 24 hours, and then crash for the following 24 hours.

If you have bipolar affective disorder, please leave a message after the beep and before the beep and after the beep.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have ADD, wander away from the phone and start another task.

If you suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you suffer from social phobia, please hang up and go to a party.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone, and mother’s maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Hotline.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a man in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde woman about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm going to be honest with you, this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She ignores the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Conversations with the penis at 3 stages of life

Early Adolescence


Brain: Nothing, just calm down. I’m wearing sweatpants and we’re right in the middle of class.


Brain: We’re definitely not gonna do that.


Brain: Please go back to sleep.

Penis: F*CK NO. I’M AMPED.

Brain: But I’ve gotta do a presentation. Everyone’s going to see you…

Penis: DON’T CARE.

Brain: Please, I’m begging you.


Young Adulthood

Penis: Damn, your ex is looking pretty good tonight.

Brain: She’s crazy.

Penis: Crazy…IN THE SACK!

Brain: I’m not gonna hook up with her. Too much drama.


Brain: No. I’ll sort it out later. You’ll just do whatever you want and leave me to deal with the consequences.


Brain: Can’t we just find someone else?


Old Age

Brain: Come on, old buddy. You can do this. It’s my 40th wedding anniversary.

Penis: …Ugh.

Brain: Get up! Just this one time. Please.

Penis: Go away. I’m sleepy.

Brain: All I’m asking is for a few minutes.

Penis: With that old hag? That’s an eternity.

Brain: That’s my wife you’re talking about!

Penis: She bores me.

Brain: What if I think about someone else?

Penis: That could work. YEAH! LET’S DO THIS.

Brain: Great. OK, here we go.

Penis: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.


***** ***** ***** ***** *****

There was this 5-year-old boy named Johnny, and he was very wise in the ways of the world. His problem was that he was a compulsive gambler and couldn't resist making all these outrageous wagers.

"Hey Dad! Behind that pine tree you'll see two squirrels doing it!"

The father was understandably shocked. "Son, how could you say such things? There are no squirrels doing anything."

"Hey Dad, I just speak the facts. If I win, you pay me 5 dollars, if I lose, I pay you 10 dollars. That is a very reasonable offer."

The father agrees to the wager. They walk over to the pine tree, and sure enough two squirrels are coupling. So the father forks over the five dollars as he promised.

It so happened that September was just around the corner, and Little Johnny had to start kindergarten. Needless to say, the father did not want Johnny making his wagers with other innocent children. So he calls the kindergarten teacher to warn her of his son.

"Err... Ms. Smith, I want to tell you that my son Johnny is prone to make explicit sexual remarks and even wager money on such. Could you please disabuse him of such a filthy habit by any means necessary?"
The teacher says she will try.

So the first day of class starts. Not even five minutes pass on the first day when Little Johnny pipes up.
"Hey Ms. Smith! I will bet 50 dollars that you have brown pubic hair!"

Obviously the teacher was flabberghasted by Little Johnny's remarks. She grabs his ear and hauls him to a side room. "I oughta spank you and wash out your mouth with a bar of Lava soap, you filthy little boy!"

Little Johnny took this all in stride. "Hey Ms. Smith, I just speak the facts. If I win, you don't owe me anything. If you win, I will pay you fifty dollars." Little Johnny even pulls out the wad of bills to show the teacher he is not bluffing.

Now Ms. Smith has blonde pubic hair and she is a severely underpaid kindergarten teacher. Besides, the father did request that she put an end to his wagers. What more appropriate way to end them than to prove him wrong for once in his life? So she peeks out the door to make sure nobody is at the door. She then locks the door and doffs her drawers in front of Little Johnny. Sure enough he can see that her pubic hair is blonde. Downcast he begrudgingly forks over the wad of money he bet.

"Now Johnny, I trust that you will never make any bets ever again."

Now Ms. Smith is quite proud of her little victory (and making a little change on the side). She calls up the father to tell of her success. "I am pleased to report that your son will never be wagering again."

The father is quite curious as to how she did it.

"Well, err... You did say use any means necessary. Johnny bet me that I had brown pubic hair and, well... err... I proved him wrong."

"Just how did you prove Johnny wrong?!"

"Well, uhhh... I took Johnny into a side room and I showed him my genitalia." Ms. Smith was quite nervous at this point.

"That goddamn son-of-a-bitch! He bet me 100 dollars that you'd take your underwear off on the first day of class....!"

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy 's mom wants to talk to you...

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened, and he replied, "Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face."

"Ok, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help, " the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep."

All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice.

Johnny explained, "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said 'I'm coming', and Mom said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too' and that's when I got punched in the face."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he askes,

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lost of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

28 mai 2009

Sezon ratat

O sa incep prin a felicita FC Barcelona pentru victoria obtinuta aseara in finala Ligii Campionilor (2-0 in fata englezilor de la Manchester United). Pentru ce au jucat aseara, trofeul este pe deplin meritat. Si se dovedeste inca odata ca norcul trage cu cei puternici. Sa nu uitam cum au prins locul in aceasta finala.

Manchester a inceput bine. Domina jocul, era la timona dar o faza care nu anunta nimic, o gafa in aparare si un oportunist cu un simt extraordinar al portii ca Eto'o au facut ca spaniolii sa deschida scorul si sa toarne plumb in picioare englezilor. D-aici nu le-a mai iesit nimic. Mijlocul s-a rupt si Barcelona a preluat controlul. Giggs a disparut din joc Anderson se invartea bezmetic si Carrick rata orice pasa. Astfel ca singura solutie au ramas pasele lungi catre varfuri.

Englezii au intrat totusi cu o asezare ciudata in teren. Rooney in banda si Ronaldo in centru. N-am inteles mutarea si mi s-a parut inoportuna. Si-a dovedit pana la urma esecul. Sir Ferguson a incercat sa dreaga busuiocul introducand toti atacantii disponibili, Berbatov si Tevez, dar nu avea cine sa le paseze.

Paradoxul total a facut ca englezii sa ia gol cu capul de la un pitic. Solizii aparatori englezi au fost surclasati. Inaintea finalei probleme in aparare aveau spaniolii care au jucat fara 3 titulari. Si faptul ca cei mai buni pasatori ai englezilor au fost cei 2 fundasi centrali spune multe despre jocul lor.

Sezonul acesta fotbalistic este unul total ratat pentru mine. Sunt un sustinator al echipelor Real Madrid, Steaua si AC Milan. Poate chiar in aceasta ordine. Pe toate planurile numai esecuri.

AC Milan n-a facut nimic tot sezonul. N-a prins nici macar unul din locurile de Liga Campionilor. Nu i-a iesit nimic lui don Silvio. A fost si ultimul sezon al marelui Paolo Maldini in tricoul rossonero. Ultimul meci de pe teren propriu a fost umbrit de esecul cu Roma si de fluieraturile suporterilor la adresa acestei legende vii. Rivala Inter Milano a castigat titlul.

Steaua a fost o catastrofa. Locul 7 e pe deplin meritat. Acolo ar si trebui sa ramana. Sa facem o mare contraperformanta. Am mai si luat bataie pe teren propriu de la Rapid. Despre cupa nu mai discutam. E o fata morgana pentru Steaua. Am avut si schimbari de antrenori pe banda rulanta. Oricum cu patronul-antrenor nu rezista nimeni. E totusi bine ca o fac o economie serioasa sezonul vittor daca nu mai jucam in Europa.

Real Madrid a avut un inceput slab de sezon ajungand la peste 10 puncte sub FC Barcelona. In partea a doua a campionatului si-au revenit si au reusit chiar o serie incredibila de rezultate pozitive (vreo 14 victorii din 16 meciuri). Totul a fost sters cu buretele de umilinta de pe teren propriu in "El Clasico", 2-6. Echipa a cazut, infrangerile au venit pe banda rulanta, titlul a luat drumul Cataluniei. De cupa nici nu e nevoie de vreo mentionare. Realul nu mai are de multi ani vreun parcurs bun in aceasta competitie. Numai infrangeri rusinoase cu echipe de liga 2 si 3.

Cu victoria de aseara, FC Barcelona a reusit tripla istorica, cupa, campionat si liga, nereusita de nicio echipa spaniola pana acum.

Cireasa de pe tort ar reprezenta-o castigarea campionatului de catre Dinamo si implicit intrarea lui Borcea in Liga Campionilor. Asta ar pune capac sezonului meu fotbalistic.

27 mai 2009

Golden Porsche

Dupa succesul inregistrat cu BMWul aurit, casele de productie rusesti lanseaza o noua opera de arta: Golden Porsche. Spre deosebire de predecesorul, care era aurit prin vopsire, acesta e de-a dreptul placat cu aur. Are chiar si modele in relief. Masina a fost si ravnita de multi. Astfel ca a fost si furata. Acum sta cuminte in garajul politiei pana cand proprietarul o va revendica. Se poate observa in prima poza ca vecinul de parcare e unLogan. Iata minunea:

gold plated porsche
gold plated porsche
gold plated porsche
gold plated porsche
Asteptam cu interes si ceva SUVuri, niste Cayenne, GL, X5, Q7. Un Hummer ar fi de-a dreptul genial.


26 mai 2009

Doar un pod

Dupa traseul montan extrem prezentat acu ceva vreme p-aci, iata o noua mostra de senzatii tari. Asa arata unul din cele mai extreme poduri montane intre 2 versanti. Se gaseste in Japonia.

Cine se-ncumeta? Doar vazand imaginile aveam o senzatie ciudata. Nici nu vreau sa ma gandesc cum ar fi acolo sus. Insa tipul de filmeaza pare chiar foarte linistit. Reuseste sa isi mentina echilibrul, sa inainteze si sa filmeze in acelasi timp.

23 mai 2009

Sunt un sampon

Din seria testelor online amuzante si prostute vine si urmatorul: se ia o baie, omul si se face asocierea cu un produs.

You Are Shampoo

You are refreshing and cheerful. You don't hold on to a lot of baggage in life.
You are a true optimist. For you, every day is a fresh start.
You are confident and bold. You are proud of who you are, simple as that.
You are passionate about life and its possibilities. You don't hold back.

22 mai 2009

Friday laughs

A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, “Well, we have the Parthenon”.

Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, “We have the Coliseum.”

The Greek retorts, “We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.” The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, “But we built the Roman Empire.”

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, “We invented sex!”

The Italian replies, “That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women.”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything…tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers.

In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn’t even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on For some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an ’A’ in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, ‘Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?’ Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. ‘Well, then,’ she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?’

Little Zachary looked at her and said, ‘Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around..’

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Women are like phones:

They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.

But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Top ten reasons a handgun is better than a woman










and the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman


***** ***** ***** ***** *****

The Los Angeles Police Dept., the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it — including the rabbit — and make no apologies. Their press release on their “successful operation” notes “The rabbit had it coming.”

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, “OK, OK — I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit!”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A lawyer and a blond are sitting next to each other on a flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blond is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists…

He explains how the game works. “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa.” Again, the blond politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blond he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer, “If you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.”

The blond figures there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, so she agrees. The lawyer asks, “What’s the distance from the Earth to the moon?” The blond reaches in to her purse, pulls out $5 and hands it to the lawyer.

Then she asks the lawyer “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to his co-workers and friends. No luck. After an hour, he gives up. He wakes the blond and hands her $500.

The blond politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the blond and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

The blond reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future congressman."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........


Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."


Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:


Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."


That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher

My five-year old students are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does... "A f r i c a n Elephant "

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

An elderly Irishman walks into a pub in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere , parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes thru the swingin’ doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar :

COLD BEER : $2.00
HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole’ biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender
serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers..

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

‘Yes?’ she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, ‘may I help you?’

The ole biker leans over the bar, “I was wondering young lady,” he whispers, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs “Why yes, Yes, I sure am”.

The ole’ biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, “Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger.”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said ‘Have you ever had a hug?’

The man said ‘No,’ so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman asked, ‘Have you ever had a kiss?’

The man said, ‘No,’ so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and asked, ‘Have you ever been fucked?’

The fellow’s eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, ‘No.’

She said, ‘You will be when the tide comes in.’

21 mai 2009

Se poate si mai rau

Deja consider ca aeroportul Baneasa e bine plasat. Sper sa nu se gandeasca la o extindere a pistei.


O scurta istorie a ierbii

Ca sa mai invatam si putina istorie.


Treaba romaneasca

Iata o noua minune marca "the land of choice": pasajului Pipera

pasaj pipera
Dupa cum se vede, cele doua capete ale podului se vor intalni fix in dreptul liniilor de inalta tensiune. Arhitectul a omis acest aspect nesemificativ. Acum sa cautam niste solutii:

- il transformam in obiectiv turistic. Sa aducem chinezii si japonezii sa faca poze cu minunea.

- se da vina pe surparea terenului: "S-au surpat capetele domne. N-avem ca sa facem. O s-o luam de la capat. Unul din noi isi va sacrifica nevasta in interesul public si o vom zidi la temelie."

- sapam putin sub calea ferata si o coboram cat sa intre si liniile alea pe sub pod

- taiem liniiile. Exista si locomotive pe Diesel nu? Oricum era in plan taierea lor dar le-am lasat asa la deruta.

- l-am construit doar pentru demonstratii in aer liber de salturi extreme. Va fi si loc de vrajit si impresionat pitipoanca. E cu atat mai palpitant cu cat stii ca ai 27kV sub cur cand sari. Cine mai are ca noi?

Deci se poate. Solutii vor exista intotdeauna. Romanu' e inventiv.

i hate my job

17 mai 2009


Totul a inceput frumos...

... si a continuat dezastruos.

Nu credeam ca voi vedea un meci mai slab ca cel cu Dinamo. L-am vazut. Rapidul a parut echipa mai dezmortita, mai tehnica si mai capabila. Dar parca n-aveau dorinta. Gaura din conturi se vedea si pe teren. Nu avea nicio dorinta de mai mult. Se complaceau in incalceala jocului.

La Steaua se poate remarca nimicul. O singura idee tactica (pasa pe extrema si centrarea la Doamne-ajuta), lipsa mijloc (Plesan era bezmetic si Tiago alerga in gol), gauri mari in aparare, atac nesprijinit de nimeni, etc. Lacatus a fost mare ca jucator. Dar ca antrenor e zero. Jucatorii joaca ce stiu dar mai ales ce sunt invatati.

Pana de curand credeam ca echipa pititcilor cu Dinita, Fl Dumitru, Pompilica, Paduret era cea mai slaba pe care-am vazut-o eu pe Ghencea. M-0am inselat. Macar aia au luat un titlu. Si din ciulucurile alea Olaroiu a reusit sa faca o echipa de semifinale UEFA. Astia platiti de cateva ori mai bine sunt incapabili de a obtine un loc in primele 7-8. Cred ca e cea mai mare contraperformanta din istoria Stelei.

Si dupa toate acestea, in loc sa pui capul in pamant si sa suporti dojenelile suorterilor tu te duci si sarbatoresti cu ei ca la victorie. Chiar daca ei ti-o cer, ar trebui macar sa ai bunul simt de a te abtine. Daca iti place sa fii aclamat, trebuie sa-ti asumi si riscul de a fi contestat. Si de aceasta data, pe buna dreptate.

11 mai 2009

Oferta vacanta 2009

Cea mai noua oferta de vacanta pentru vara acestui an de criza. Veniti de luati:

crisis vacation offer

9 mai 2009

Derby suferind

Cam la asta se poate rezuma meciul dintre Steaua si Dinamo de ieri, incheiat cu o remiza plicticoasa 1-1. Din punct de vedere fotbalistic, n-am vazut nimic. Daca nimereai intamplator la meci si nu stiai cine joaca puteai lejer considera ca ai de-a face cu un FC Otopeni - Gloria Buzau. Noroc cu atmosfera din tribune. Asta a salvat o mare parte din aspectul general al jocului. Era singurul element de interes daca te aflai pe stadion. Din fata televizorului cred ca a rivalizat cu o dezbatere electorala la spectaculozitate.

Asta a fost unul din multele momente placute de pe stadion. Si a fost unul din putinele meciuri in care atmosfera incendiara din tribune nu a degenerat in batai. Mai ales ca aveam de-a face cu o mare rivalitate intre suporteri. Totul a decurs ca pe unul din marile stadioane europene si a fost pastrat in limitele legale.

Mesaje au fost destule. Nici n-am apucat sa le notez pe toate. O sa le mentionez doar pe cele mai interesante ale stelistilor:



"10 MAI

Si mesajul care a facut deliciul tuturor (Torje si colegii stiu de ce):

steaua e numai una
Galeria dinamovista a avut si ea mesaje. Multe rau. Si lungi. Parca erau un adevarat roman. Nici n-aveam timp sa scriu ca le schimbau. Si de pozat n-am reusit prea multe ca erau departe si eu doar cu un telefon cu camera slaba.

Din punct de vedere tactic, n-am vazut nimic. Toti se blocau intre ei si era o brambureala totala la mijlocul terenului. Lui Plesan eu i-am dat 30 minute. A rezistat 60. Fazele de poarta au lipsit cu desavarsire. Toata lumea de pe stadion a vazut ca portarul dinamovist era timorat si ezitant. Orice minge era o problema pentru el. Dar stelistii n-au observat. Si nici nu le-a spus nimeni de pe banca sa incerce niste suturi de la distanta.

Meciul se indrepta spre un plicticos 0-0. Dar dintr-un noroc si o deviere nefericita Steaua a preluat conducerea. Si a facut ce stia mai bine: s-a bagat cu curu-n poarta. Si golul a venit firesc pentru dinamovisti. O greseala de plasamanet a portarului l-a facilitat.

Atat se poate spune despre derby. Pana si declaratiile de dupa joc ale oamenilor din fotbal au sustinut ideea unui joc foarte slab. Sper ca sambata, cu Rapid, va fi ceva mai antrenant.

7 mai 2009

Ghid practic de facut praf un meci de fotbal

- te numesti Tom Henning Ovrebo, esti arbitru norvegian si esti fericitul posesor al dreptului de a arbitra o semifinala de Champions League

- esti cam cat elefantul si transpiri ca porcu' inca din minutul 10.

- nu ai mari probleme de arbitraj vreo 65 de minute si te simti stapan pe situatie desi e clar ca iti e din ce in ce mai greu sa tii pasul cu jucatorii.

- din cauza gabaritului depasit esti departe de faze, plasamentul e prost si preferi ca in fazele la limita sa iei deciziile care ar avea cea mai mica influenta asupra rezultatului.

- prin minutul 65 decizi sa fii dur si sa iei o decizie care sa demonstreze ca tu esti seful, ca stii ce faci si ca iti asumi o minima responsabilitate: il dai afara destul de usor pe un jucator al uneia dintre echipe. Faza e destul de discutabila. Poate a existat contact dar nu se impunea si eliminarea. Din inertia fazei aparatorul si atacantul si-au incurcat picioarele. Un galben era suficient. Dar tu decizi ca aici, in cel mai nepotrivit moment, trebuie sa iei o decizie radicala (si asta dupa cateva secunde in care pareai destul de nesigur de decizia pe care o vei lua; probabil a facut si tusierul cu ochiu' ca e cazul sa iei masuri radicale).

- realizezi ca poate te-ai grabit in decizia de eliminare a jucatorului si arbitrezi dupa tactica Corpodean: in compensare. D-aici incolo refuzi sa mai oferi orice echipei cu un om in plus. Chiar si goluri esti capabil sa le anulezi doar-doar sa compensezi graba eliminarii pe care ai pricinuit-o. Penalty-uri clare din varful tribunei le consideri absolut neintentionate, inchizi ochii si treci peste.

- multumesti cerului ca norocul echipei defavorizate de decizia ta de a-i elimina un jucator isi face datoria si aceasta reuseste sa inscrie si sa-si indeplineasca obiectivul

- te rogi sa scapi nevatamat de pe teren

5 mai 2009

Gust de peste

Am gasit un test dragut si amuzant. Ce gust ar avea carnea mea pentru un canibal. Inteleg ca au fost folositi canibali reali drept consilieri. Se pare ca si eu si DB avem gust de peste. Eu fript, DB la gratar.

What would you taste like to a cannibal?

What would you taste like to a cannibal?

Prezentare voluptoasa

Cateodata e bine sa mai verifici laptopul si setarile sale inainte de a face o prezentare serioasa in fata unui grup de oameni. In mijlocul unui discurs foarte serios despre business, cand audienta incepe sa chicoteasca si sa para brusc destinsa si binedispusa, sa stii sigur ca nu e datorita prestatiei tale sau conceptelor expuse. Iata dovada:


4 mai 2009

Educatia, curva politica

Cam la asta pot rezuma eu ceea ce se intampla in domeniul educatiei. Si aici nu neaparat profesorii aia de rand, muritori de foame , sunt de vina. In primul rand ma refer la liderii sindicali. Sunt nspe mii de sindicate si nu sunt in stare de nimic. Doar sa-si asigure propriul buzunar. Liderii o duc intotdeauna excelent: "facem, dregem, greva, luptam, nu renuntam, etc". Dau din gura in fata camerelor pentru cateva minute si apoi bat palma in spatele usilor inchise cu aia de la putere. Ca doar sunt din aceeasi gasca. Primesc si ei un bonus consistent, ii lasa pe fraieri sa faca putina galagie greva si totul se trece cu vederea. Merge intotdeauna schema.

Cel mai curios e ca doar cu educatia merge schema de fiecare data. Profesorii pun botu' ca liderii lor sindicali le vor numai binele si lupta pentru interesele lor, inghit orice promisiune, pun votul unde trebuie si asteapta osul aruncat de putere. El nu vine niciodata dar la urmatoarea promisiune totul reincepe si istoria e stearsa cu buretele. S-a uitat imediat de promisiunile nerespectate la auzirea unor noi si mai spectaculoase. Asa s-a intamplat si in toamna cand s-a venit cu naucitoarea crestere de 50% a salariilor. Toti papagalii au votat in unanimitate propunerea in parlament. Deci acum e si lege. Profesorii isi vazusera visul cu ochii. Promisiunile trecusera deja intr-o noua etapa. Dar aveau sa afle pe propria piele ca la noi o lege nu e suficienta. Vlad Petreanu face un rezumat al evolutiei situatiei de la nivelul de promisini pana in prezent.

Iata acum si cei mai importanti lideri sindicali despre care vorbim in domeniul educatiei: Razvan Bobulescu (presedintele Federatiei Alma Mater), Aurel Cornea (presedintele Federatiei Sindicatelor Libere din Invatamant - centru), Gheorghe Isvoranu (presedintele Federatiei "Spiru Haret" - dreapta), Catalin Croitoru (liderul Federatiei Educatiei Nationale - stanga). Ei nu duc grija zilei de maine.

catalin croitoru, aurel cornea, gheorghe isvoranu
Unul din cei mai vehementi si mai prezenti in lumina presei era pana in tomana domnul Croitotru. Atunci s-a gandit ca ar fi mai bine sa doarma in parlament pe un scaun caldut de deputat. Si pozand in reprezentantul perfect al profesorilor, un om din randul lor, a ajuns unde si-a dorit. Bineinteles, din partea PDL. In toamna ne ranjea de pe afise inpreuna cu Blaga. Si d-atunci n-am mai auzit de el. Tace malc. Niciun cuvant, nicio razvratire, nicio luare de pozitie la faradelegea care li se face profesorilor acum. Puterea si-a facut datoria fata de el, i-a asigurat locul caldut, doar nu o sari la gatul lor acum.

O solutie ar fi extirparea cardasiei din fruntea sindicatelor si unirea lor intr-unul singur. Cat timp vor fi mai multe capete care sa reprezinte aceeasi mutime si capetele acelea nu sunt deloc independente politic, profesorii vor ramane tot o curva politica si o simpla masa electorala. Profesorii trebuie sa realizeze ca sindicatele nu vor aduce nimic. Nimeni nu le vrea mai mult bine decat ei insisi. Nu o sa vada nimic de la sindicate. Liderii stiu sa minta si din pacate profesorii pun botul. Si asta nu neaparat din naivitate ci din speranta ca o vor duce decent, ca vor fi rasplatiti asa cum merita si ca anii petrecuti in bancile facultatilor nu au fost pierduti degeaba.

sursa poza

Sa se vada cine-i sefu

M-am jucat si eu putin cu google trends. Unele rezultate sunt chiar amuzante. Iata in primul rand dovada faptului ca femeia conduce:

Iata si un rezultat neasteptat pentru mine. Chiar ma asteptam sa fie invers.

Si niste rezultate doar pentru Romania. Sa vedem si preferintele de pe meleagurile noastre.