27 noiembrie 2009

Friday laughs

Teenagers and cats common things

* Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

* No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

* You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

* Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor you teen will ever crack a smile.

* No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.

* Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

* Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

* Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom.

* Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.

* Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times.

And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Why Beer Is Better Than Religion

* No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

* Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex.

* Beer has never caused a major war.

* They don’t force Beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.

* When you have a Beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to give it away.

* Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.

* You don’t have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

* There are laws saying Beer labels can’t lie to you.

* You can prove you have a Beer.

* If you’ve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

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20 noiembrie 2009

Friday laughs

The Difference Between You and Your Boss

1 When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

2 When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

3 When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

4 When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

5 When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

6 When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

7 When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

8 When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

9 When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

10 When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselect ion"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

"One neuron short of a synapse"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Military survival rule

“Aim towards the enemy.” – Instruction printed on U.S. Army rocket launcher

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” – U.S. Army training notice

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. From 30,000 feet, every single bomb always hits the ground.” – U.S. Air Force ammunition memo.

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” – Infantry Journal

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” – Army preventive maintenance publication

“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” – Infantry Journal

“Tracers work both ways.” – U.S. Army Ordnance Corps memo.

“Five-second fuses only last three seconds.” – Infantry Journal

“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.” – Col. David H. Hackworth

“If your attack is going too well, you’re probably walking into an ambush.” – Infantry Journal

“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.” – Joe Gay

“Any ship can be a minesweeper – once.” – Anonymous

“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” – Unknown Army recruit

“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.” – Your buddies

“If you see a bomb disposal technician running, try to keep up with him.” – U.S. Army ordnance manual

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed” – U.S. Air Force flight training manual

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

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13 noiembrie 2009

Friday laughs

Car names explained

* Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

* Big Money Works
* Bought My Wife
* Brutal Money Waster
* Bimbette Motor Weapon
* Break My Window

* Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

* Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
* Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
* Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
* Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology

* Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
* Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
* Dead or Dying Gas Eater
* Dear Old Dad’s Geriatric Express

* Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
* Fix It All the Time
* Fix it again, Tony!

* First On Recall Day
* First On Race Day
* First On Rust and Deterioration
* Fix Or Repair Daily
* Found On Road, Dead
* Fault Of R&D
* Fast Only Rolling Downhill
* Features O.J. and Ron’s DNA
* Found On Russian Dump

* General Maintenance
* Great Mistake

* Garage Man’s Companion
* Got A Mechanic Coming?

* Had One Never Did Again

* Hope You Understand Nothing’s Driveable And Inexpensive

* Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

* Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere
* Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick’s Irregular Leftover Equipment

* Put In New Transmission Often

* Poor Old Neanderthal Thinks It’s A Cadillac

* Send Another Automobile Back
* Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
* Sorry Arsed Auto Builders

* Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

* Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
* Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners

* Virtually Worthless

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

What Doctors Say… and what they’re really thinking

“This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

“Welllllll, what have we here…?”
He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.

“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.

“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time..or..I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.

“I have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.

“Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have 40% interest in the lab.

“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up.

“This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

“This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

“Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.

“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

“Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me…”

“There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.

“If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week!

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

10 Reasons Why it Sucks to be a Vampire

10. When you wake up, your hair is always the same shape as the top of your coffin.

9. Early evening blood breath, that Listerine just won't get rid of.

8. Your dentist insists on filing down "those outsize canines".

7. The Goth crowd you hang out with doesn't think you're that cool after a couple of weeks......

6. You never get a chance to cash in at all-you-can-eat overnight buffets.

5. Your mortal S.O.'s get upset when all you want to do is neck.

4. You smell musty

3. You tend to embarrass yourself when you try to turn into a bat and you end up transforming into a Louisville Slugger.

2. You keep tripping over your cape.

1. Let's face it, you suck.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

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6 noiembrie 2009

Friday laughs

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and George said no
and explained the situation.

Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George:

“I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said,

“I thought you said there was nobody available!”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

An attractive young lady with raven-black hair and wide eyes approached the gates of Heaven. Looking her over, St. Peter said, “And may I ask, young lady, if you are a virgin?”

“I am,” was her demure reply.

Not wanting to appear distrustful but having to be cautious, St. Peter called over an angel to examine her. Several minutes later the angel returned.

“She’s a virgin,” the angel stated, “though I’m obliged to inform you that she *does* have seven small dents in her maidenhead.”

Thanking him, St. Peter took his place behind the ledger and faced the girl.

“Well, miss, we’re going to admit you. What is your name?”

She replied sweetly, “Snow White.”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

And the mother says, "When the baby cries."

So they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "I forgot where I put it."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to
the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near-fatal incident, can’t control his amazement. He says to the blind man,

“Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!”

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies,

“I am trying to find which end is his head so I can kick his butt.”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention. The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?” A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, “What is 15 plus 15?” After 15 or 20 seconds she says, “Eighteen!”

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!” The leader says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance.” So he asks, “What is 5 plus 5?”

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, “Ninety?”

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh — everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, “GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, “Ok! Ok! Just one more chance — What is 2 plus 2?”

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, “Four?”

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream…


***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit and it was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on "science & nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is the vaccum on or off?"

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A blonde was showing her friend her two new puppies.

The girl askes, "What are their names?"

The blonde responded, This one is Rolex, and this one is Timex.

Confused, her friend said, "What kind of names are those?"

"Uh, der. They are watch dogs." answered the blonde.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic that it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?

A. Where you left it.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Dorothy was very upset because her husband Albert had just passed away.

She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed, and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.

One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he’d see what he could do.

The next day, Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.

She asks the attendant, “How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?”

“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man who was about your husband’s size was brought in, and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset, as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit,” the attendant replied.

The woman smiled.

He continued: “After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around”.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

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1 noiembrie 2009

Pentru casa

Inginer fiind, imi plac toate gadget-urile, inovatiile si obiectele do-it-yourself pentru casa. Si internetul e plin de atfel de chestii. Iata ce am gasit in ultimul timp.

  • lustra lanterna. De atatea ori mi-am dorit sa pot sa orientez lustra pentru a vedea in colturile ascunse ale camerei. Acum e posibil.
  • asternut de pat cu model de cutii de carton. Pentru cei ce vor sa dea impresia de homeless, asta e ocazia.
  • niste etichete utile pentru umeras. Sunt utile pentru aceia ce-si fac garderoba in avans pentru o intreaga saptamana. Si pentru a evita confuziile de dimineata cand, buimac de somn, nu mai stii cu ce sa te imbraci.
  • un birou nu se face doar din lemn. Merge si din beton. Si chiar arata bine. Iata si instructiunile pentru construirea lui.
  • sunt multi carora le plac obiectele acelea de decor cu sclipici inauntru care dau impresia de ninsoare. Si eu sunt unul dintre ei. Si am descoperit si cum imi pot face singur asa ceva. Iata secretul stiuclutelor magice.
  • un balansoar cu lampa. Combinatie excelenta pentru citit si relaxare fara a-i deranja pe ceilalti prin aprinderea unei lustre. Si asta nu e tot. Lampa se incarca din miscarea cinetica dezvoltata de balansoar.
  • toata lumea uraste manunchiul de cabluri de sub birou. Exista si solutii acum pentru a scapa de ele. Iata una simpla si practica.
  • cand vreti sa faceti o renovare si nu stiti ce culoare sa alegeti pentru o camera, colorjive va ajuta. Doar cateva clickuri, un upload al unei poze al incaperii si gata. Puteti sa va jucati cu culorile pentru a gasi combinatia ideala.

Urmatoarele 2 linkuri sunt mai mult pentru timp liber de pierdut si pentru hobby.

  • pentru fumatori, urmatorul link s-ar putea dovedi folositor. N-are rost sa aruncati pachetele de tigari. Se pot face niste obiecte destul de interesante. Iata ce poate iesi dintr-un pachet de tigari si nu numai. Il vindeti unui prieten si poate mai recuperati din paguba generata de fumat.
  • cateodata, la o masa cu prietenii, cand aveti in fata o bautura intr-un pahar cu un pai sau mai multe, exista fascinatia de a face ceva cu paiul (impletire, rupere, taiere, orice). Iata si un exeplu constructiv: un mic avion dintr-un pai.