29 ianuarie 2010

Friday laughs

An elderly couple walked hand in hand slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 70 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then people noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating, his wife helped to wipe his face neatly with a napkin.

The onlooking young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered...

"The teeth."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross.

Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

A priest watches & then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the star of David and says: "Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business!"

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a tablet big enough to choke a horse.

“I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the tablet down his throat and guzzles water until he finally gets it swallowed. Then he hobbles back into the examining room.

Eventually, the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. “Okay,” he says. “After the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes.”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Sitting together on a train was Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:
Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks:
I can’t wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle, was devastated.

A couple of months later, Myrtle also died.

Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe.

Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him. She ran towards him, calling his name: "Joe! Darling... "

Joe said: "Hold your horses, woman, and don't 'darling' me! The deal was very clear!! "Until death do us part!"

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

An American tourist pulls over the Hertz car in the middle of nowhere for a pee. Suddenly a bloke jumps out from behind a tree, pointing a shotgun at him. “Pull yourself off”, he orders.


“Masturbate. Right now!”

Nervously, the tourist obliges.

“Now, do it again”.

“I can’t do it again”

“DO it again!”

So the tourist masturbates for a second time.

“Okay, once more”

“I couldn’t do it once more, no matter what. You may as well shoot me.”

“No, that’s fine. Now you can give my sister a lift to the next town.”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: “When you are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

The first guy immediately responds, “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made
a huge difference in the children of tomorrow.”

The last guy thinks a minute and replies,

“I guess I’d like to hear them say, ‘Look, he’s moving!”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

The judge looked up at the man and asked ,

“Have you ever been up before me ? ”

” I don’t know “, said the man . “What time do you get up ? “

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Q. What is the definition of “making love”?

A. Something a woman does while a man is fucking her.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom.” As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left, and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in my congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

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15 ianuarie 2010

Friday laughs

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky.

The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The man says,"Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"

The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says,

"Secret Service!"

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you being charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early sir," replied the defendant.

"Well, that's not a crime," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," answered the prisoner.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash, and the average male thief won’t be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Boy: I have a dick, and you dont!

Girl: My mother said, when I grow up, I can have as many as I want.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A woman called a local hospital.

"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I’d like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said,
"What is the patient’s name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

I’ll connect you with the nursing station."

"3rd floor Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I’d like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that’s fantastic .. that’s wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I’m Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me a thing."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“HELLLOOOOOOO.....” answered the blond. “They’re watch dogs!”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A guy's wife is in a comma and he gets a call from the doctor

Doctor: I have something a little weird to ask you

Man: Ok

Doctor: Well when the nurse was washing your wife her hart rate jumped everytime she went over her vagina so I was thinking if you came in and had oral sex with your wife it might bring her out of the comma I know its a crazy request but I think its worth a shot.

Man: Ok doc I am willing to try anything

The man gets to the hospital goes into his wifes room 5 minutes later she flatlines doctor rushes in.

Doctor: What happened?

Man: Well I am no doctor but I think she choked.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

The Christmas church services were proceeding very successfully when a woman in the gallery got so interested that she leaned out too far and fell over the railing. Her dress caught in a chandelier, and she was suspended in mid-air. The minister noticed her undignified position and thundered at the congregation:

"Any person in this congregation who turns around will be struck stone-blind."

A man, whose curiosity was getting the better of him, but who dreaded the clergyman's warning, finally turned to his companion and said:

"I'm going to risk one eye."

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Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

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8 ianuarie 2010

Friday laughs

Obama jokes

Q: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.

Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A: It stands between him and the First.

Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama?
A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth.

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One's full of tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for prisoners.

Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obama backer?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: If Pelosi and Obama were in a boat and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!

Q: What do you call the US after four years of Obama and the Liberal congress?
A: An Obama-nation.

Q: What's the difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler wrote his own book.

Q: What's another difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler got the Olympics to come to his country.

Q: Why doesn't Obama pray?
A: It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed.

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Understanding TV News Acronyms

NBC: New Barack Channel
ABC: Another Barack Channel
MSNBC: My Seriously New Barack Channel
CBS: Continuous Barack Show
FOX: Flagrant Obama Xenophobes

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

If excel were a car…

It would crash two or three times per day for no apparent reason. The driver is often hurt, but the car itself receives no permanent damage. You’d just accept this fact, restart the car, and begin your trip again.

Crash occasionally, your car would fail to restart after a crash, and you’d have to reinstall the engine.For some strange reason, you’d just accept this too.

You would be forced to buy a new model every 18 months, and your old model would have no resale value. Each new model would be bigger that the previous one, require more gas, and would operate differently. Furthermore, parts from the old car would not be interchangeable with the new car.

You could call a special phone number when you had a problem. The phone would be staffed by people who know less about your car than you do.

There would be a special Macintosh model, powered by the sun. However, it would only run on 5 percent of the roads and require different driving skills.

You would have to spend additional money to buy the operating manuals.

The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single warning light: “This car has performed an illegal operation.”

Before engaging, the airbag system would display a message, “Are you sure?”

Every time you looked under the hood, an obnoxious cartoon character would appear and ask if you need help. No matter how many time you refused help, it would keep appearing.

A special feature would let you automatically record the route for a particular trip, so you could repeat the trip automatically later on. However, after repeating the trip you always end up at a different location.

7 ianuarie 2010

Link dump

Originea numelor formatiilor muzicale. Pentru cine s-a intrebat cum de au ajuns oamenii la nume dintre cele mai ciudate, iata raspunsul.

De atractii turistice si aglomeratie, m-am tot saturat in calatoriile mele. Adeseori imi doresc sa descopar acele locuri mai putin cunoscute sau vizitate. Sau acele locuri mai putin accesibile. Aici e nevoie de ceva cautari si documentare anterioara. Dar iata si o lista a unor locuri pe care oricat de mult mi-as dori sa le vad, nu voi reusi prea curand. Si, de altfel, mai nimeni nu prea va reusi.

Cand am descoperit linkul urmator, primul lucru care mi-a venit in minte a fost Tom Hanks in The Terminal. Pe scurt: un om ramane blocat intr-un aeroport. Dar care ar fi cele mai "dorite" aeroporturi in care sa ramai blocat?

Munca romanilor in strainatate este de mai multe feluri. Una din cele mai raspandite este furtul. Si suntem si artisti in asta. Dar, ca orice meserie, si aici exista uscaturi. Un exemplu elocvent este exemplarul urmator, care a reusit sa se blocheze intr-un geam si sa ramana si fara pantaloni. O priveliste excelenta pentru politistii ajunsi la fata locului.

Arta e inteleasa de fiecare in felul sau. Si fiecare pare sa o inteleaga din ce in ce mai abstract. Iata un exemplu de manifestare artistica a unui sculptor chinez: taurul cu propulsie proprie...

Si acum un exemplu impresionant de a intelege si de a te exprima artistic: picturi murale. Si unele sunt chiar superbe.