The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky.
The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man says,"Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"
The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says,
"Secret Service!"
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you being charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early sir," replied the defendant.
"Well, that's not a crime," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," answered the prisoner.
"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash, and the average male thief won’t be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.
Boy: I have a dick, and you dont!
Girl: My mother said, when I grow up, I can have as many as I want.
A woman called a local hospital.
"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I’d like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said,
"What is the patient’s name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
I’ll connect you with the nursing station."
"3rd floor Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I’d like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that’s fantastic .. that’s wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Neither! I’m Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me a thing."
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“HELLLOOOOOOO.....” answered the blond. “They’re watch dogs!”
A guy's wife is in a comma and he gets a call from the doctor
Doctor: I have something a little weird to ask you
Man: Ok
Doctor: Well when the nurse was washing your wife her hart rate jumped everytime she went over her vagina so I was thinking if you came in and had oral sex with your wife it might bring her out of the comma I know its a crazy request but I think its worth a shot.
Man: Ok doc I am willing to try anything
The man gets to the hospital goes into his wifes room 5 minutes later she flatlines doctor rushes in.
Doctor: What happened?
Man: Well I am no doctor but I think she choked.
The Christmas church services were proceeding very successfully when a woman in the gallery got so interested that she leaned out too far and fell over the railing. Her dress caught in a chandelier, and she was suspended in mid-air. The minister noticed her undignified position and thundered at the congregation:
"Any person in this congregation who turns around will be struck stone-blind."
A man, whose curiosity was getting the better of him, but who dreaded the clergyman's warning, finally turned to his companion and said:
"I'm going to risk one eye."
Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.
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