29 ianuarie 2010

Friday laughs

An elderly couple walked hand in hand slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 70 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then people noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating, his wife helped to wipe his face neatly with a napkin.

The onlooking young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered...

"The teeth."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross.

Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

A priest watches & then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the star of David and says: "Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business!"

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a tablet big enough to choke a horse.

“I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the tablet down his throat and guzzles water until he finally gets it swallowed. Then he hobbles back into the examining room.

Eventually, the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. “Okay,” he says. “After the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes.”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Sitting together on a train was Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:
Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks:
I can’t wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle, was devastated.

A couple of months later, Myrtle also died.

Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe.

Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him. She ran towards him, calling his name: "Joe! Darling... "

Joe said: "Hold your horses, woman, and don't 'darling' me! The deal was very clear!! "Until death do us part!"

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

An American tourist pulls over the Hertz car in the middle of nowhere for a pee. Suddenly a bloke jumps out from behind a tree, pointing a shotgun at him. “Pull yourself off”, he orders.


“Masturbate. Right now!”

Nervously, the tourist obliges.

“Now, do it again”.

“I can’t do it again”

“DO it again!”

So the tourist masturbates for a second time.

“Okay, once more”

“I couldn’t do it once more, no matter what. You may as well shoot me.”

“No, that’s fine. Now you can give my sister a lift to the next town.”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: “When you are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

The first guy immediately responds, “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made
a huge difference in the children of tomorrow.”

The last guy thinks a minute and replies,

“I guess I’d like to hear them say, ‘Look, he’s moving!”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

The judge looked up at the man and asked ,

“Have you ever been up before me ? ”

” I don’t know “, said the man . “What time do you get up ? “

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Q. What is the definition of “making love”?

A. Something a woman does while a man is fucking her.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom.” As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left, and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in my congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

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