* Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
* No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
* You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
* Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor you teen will ever crack a smile.
* No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
* Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
* Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
* Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom.
* Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.
* Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times.
And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
10 Reasons God Created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."
Why Beer Is Better Than Religion
* No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
* Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex.
* Beer has never caused a major war.
* They don’t force Beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.
* When you have a Beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to give it away.
* Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
* You don’t have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
* There are laws saying Beer labels can’t lie to you.
* You can prove you have a Beer.
* If you’ve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
via via
Postări
Niciun comentariu:
Trimiteți un comentariu