21 august 2009

Friday laughs

A man walked into a bar room one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks”. The bartender said, “No problem sir, but I’ll need to see some money first”. The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?”, asked the bartender. “I’m a professional gambler”, replied the man. The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?”. “Well, I only bet on sure things” said the guy.

“Like what?” asked the bartender. “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye.” The bartender thought about it. “OK”. So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. “Aw, you screwed me”, said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. “I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye” said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet”. So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. “Aw, you screwed me again”. “That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the $100″, said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop”.

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “OK, you’re on”. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me $500!”. The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s OK. I just bet each of the guys in the poker room $1000 that I could piss all over you AND the bar AND still make you laugh!”.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

One day, a guy decided that it was time to ask his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

The kid started crying, shouting “I don’t want to know- Promise me you won’t tell me.”

Confused, the father was already preparing to fight off some serious speech anxiety , but this reaction left him completely baffled, so he asked what was wrong.

His kid went on to explain- “when I was 6, I got the there’s no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there’s no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the there’s no tooth fairy speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don’t have sex, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A woman goes to the doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I’ve got a strange problem and I need your opinion.” “Can you describe the symptoms to me?” he asked.

“Well, it’s easier if I show you,” she said, and standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear, she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs.

“They don’t hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them.”

The doctor peered closely at the two circles and asked, “Are you a lesbian, by any chance?”

Embarrassed and slightly taken aback by this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs, she replied, “Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?”

“Well, I’m afraid you’ll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren’t real gold.”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

An 87-year-old woman came home from bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She pushed him off a balcony on the 20th floor of a seniors' apartment tower, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on a murder charge, the judge asked if the woman had anything to say in her defence.

"Yes, your honour. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex, he could also fly."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth extracted. The dentist takes out a syringe to give the man a shot. "No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when your tooth comes out."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.

He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."...

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

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A young doctor was to take up his new position in a small community hospital in a town.

The retiring older doctor suggested the young one to accompany him on his rounds for a couple of weeks to understand the finer points of practice in a small community and at the same time for him to meet a few patients.

At the first visit to a farmers house the farmer’s wife complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The senior doctor thought for a moment or two and said, ‘Well I think you've probably been eating too much of bananas , try to cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that helps"

As they left the young doctor was absolutely surprised and asked his senior , "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you make your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. I dropped my stethoscope on the floor by mistake and when I bent over to pick it up guess what I saw in the trash bin – at least half dozen banana peels. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Oh” the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever, maybe I'll try that at our next house visit”.

The next day they did another house visit.. Both spent several minutes talking with a young pretty lady who was complaining of lack of energy and tiredness for the past few days for no real reason. She said " Doc, I'm feeling terribly run down lately, I don’t know why “

The older doctor said “Oh, I am sure there is good reason but for someone as youthful as you this cannot be a serious reason”

The young doctor on this responded, "I think sir there is, she is probably been doing too much work for the church, perhaps she cut back a bit and sleep a little more and see if that helps". The girl went slightly red and said nothing and just nodded.

As they left, the senior doc surprised at this said, "Your diagnosis is probably correct, but how did you arrive at it? "

"Well, just like you did at the last house, I also dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to pick it up, guess what I saw”

“What did you see?”

“I noticed the preacher under the bed!!"

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud: "Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".

The man said, 'Build me a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra.

'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said the pharmacist,' but a quarter tablet will not give
you a full erection.'

'I'm 96 said the old man. 'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers!'

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

It was 5 o'clock in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, And the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walked in and bellowed, "This is a birthday suit inspection! I wanna see you all formed up outside and butt naked now!"

The soldiers quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.

The sergeant walked out and yelled, "Close up the ranks and conserve your body heat!" The soldiers complied and moved closer together.

The captain appeared with his swagger stick. He walked up to the first soldier and whacked him right across the chest. " Did that hurt?" he yelled.

"No, Sir! "

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

The captain then walked up to the next soldier and whacked him right across the chest. " Did that hurt?" he yelled.

"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

The captain was rather impressed with the toughness of the soldiers; so he walked up to a third soldier. The captain noticed that the soldier had an enormous erection, so naturally he gave his target a huge whack with the swagger stick. " Did that hurt?" he yelled.

"No, Sir! "

"Why not?"

"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

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