Friday laughs

Changing a bulb

How many academic librarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Just five. One changes the light bulb while the other four form a committee and write a letter of protest to the Dean, because after all, changing light bulbs IS NOT professional work!

How many reference librarians does it take to change a light-bulb?
(with a perky smile) "Well, I don't know right off-hand, but I know where we can look it up!"

How many book publishers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to hold down the author.

How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?
"Do we have to get author's approval for this?"
Two, one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb.

How many proofreaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Proofreaders aren't supposed to change light bulbs. They should just query them.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end.

How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to tell a long story about it.

How many literary critics does it take to change a light bulb?
Literary critics don't know how, but rest assured they'll find something wrong with the way you do it.

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Things you don’t want to hear at the tattoo parlor

* Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE.

* We’re all out of red, so I used pink.

* There are 2 Os in Bob, right?

* Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy.

* That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie.

* Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups.

* Anything else you want to say? You’ve got plenty of room back here.

* I’ll bet you can’t tell I’ve never done this before.

* The flag’s all done and you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect.

* Oops….

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Rejected Dictionary Entries

ADULT :
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR :
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL :
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS :
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE :
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST :
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST :
Someone me-deep in conversation

GOSSIPER :
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF :
Cold Storage.

INFLATION :
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO :
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN :
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET :
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON :
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE :
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW :
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN :
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES :
Something other people have. You have character lines.