"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
"Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
One afternoon, Harry Harrington walks into his supervisor's office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Harry. "I knew I could count on you!"
So this fella goes into the doctor's office for his annual physical. The doctor comes in, looks at him for a moment, and says,
"You need to stop masturbating".
"Why?"
"So I can do the exam."
How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bathtub.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
A man walks into a dentist's office and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on..."
My blonde coworker was about to go on vacation. I needed to use her computer while she was away, so I asked if she could give me her password.
"Sure thing," she replied, and wrote it down for me:
MickeyMinnieDonaldGoofyHueyDeweyLouiePluto
"Sheesh! How come you made it so long?" I asked.
She rolled her eyes. "Well, DUH! It has to be at least 8 characters."
A boy and his date were parked on a back road far away from town, making out, when the girl stopped the boy.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a professional prostitute, and I charge $100 to go any farther.”
The boy reluctantly paid her, and a couple of minutes later it was time to go back. But the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $120.”
A driver cruising along a Texas road accidentally hit a calf, killing it. Wanting to do the right thing, the driver headed over to the owner's ranch house to explain what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Well, right now, it'd probably fetch about $50 or so," said the rancher. "But in six years, it would've brought me $1,500. So, $1,500 is what I'm out."
The driver sat down, wrote a check, and handed it to the rancher.
"Here you go," he said. "One check for $1,500. Post-dated six years from now."
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