When Tim found out about the scholarship, he called his friends all to come over to his house to help him celebrate. They got plastered, and several of the friends had "donated" marjuana.
The next morning, realizing that he would be asked to provide a urine sample, he knew the marijuana would show up in it. He had a brainstorm!!
Calling his girlfriend on the phone, he said, "Hey, Patti I need a favour. Can you give me a small jar of urine? I'll need it for the physical tomorrow, and we kinda let things go here."
Patti agreed, and within an hour, she came over, carrying a small mayo jar of yellow liquid.
Tim thanked her, and he proceeded to take the "sample" to the college physical with him the next day. When the doctor asked him for a sample, he went into the restroom, and poured the urine Patti had given him into the vial.
All was fine -- he thought!!
Two days later, the athletic director at the college called Tim, and said, "I'm afraid we have to withdraw the scholarship offer."
"WHY?" asked Tim.
"We just cannot," said the A.D., "have a pregnant man on our football team!"
The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.
"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.
"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, What perfect headlights. Then you felt my thighs and murmured, what a smooth finish."
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.
"Nothing, but then you felt my p**sy and yelled, who the hell left the garage door open?"
The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.
Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.
The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time. We'll miss him."
"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."
Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."
But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."
With one voice and in tearful outrage the children screamed, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He says “Yes, just caffeine.”
“Have you ever been in the service?” the interviewer asks.
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”
The interviewer says “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.”, and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes… an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off.”
The interviewer tells the guy “O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day. Don’t worry,we’ll still pay you from 8am.”
The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don’t you want me to be here before 10am?”
“‘This is a government job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
A man is in a hotel lobby. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says:
“Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “if your cock is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”
A little boy says to his mother, “Mommy, how come I’m black and you’re white.”
His mother replied, “Don’t even go there! From what little I can remember about that party, you’re lucky you don’t bark!”
1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price.
What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or £800.
What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800.
Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800 and his profit is £200.
Your assignment: Underline the number 200.
5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £200. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.
If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counselling will be available)
6... Teaching Maths 2018
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An Australian man is seeking to join the Police force
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good,
but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can
be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug
dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"I like your attitude!" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed.
The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing.
American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss. the brain said,
''I should be boss because i control the whole body's responses and functions.''
The feet said, ''We should be boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.''
The hands said, ''We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.'' and so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the a**hole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the a**hole being the boss. So, the a**hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the a**hole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the s***!
Moral of the story: you don't need brains to be a boss - any a**hole will do.
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know whom you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee..
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back "And do you know whom YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God....!!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.
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nice :))
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