The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answers Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that! Get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his Corona and says, “Bicycles.”
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialled the employees’ home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”.
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
“Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper!”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, “They’re looking for me!”
The wife was reading a newspaper, while her husband, was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
“Listen to this,” she said. “There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.”
“Hmmm,” said the husband, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, the wife said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?”
“Absolutely not,” he said.
“How sweet,” she said. “Tell me why not.”
“Season’s more than half over.”
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for 350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth 350. When the clerk tells him 350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
“But we didn’t use them,” the man complains.
“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
“The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.
“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” complains the man again.
“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t use it!”
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But sir,” he says, “this check is only made out for 100.”
“That’s right,” says the man. “I charged you 250 for sleeping with my wife.”
“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.
“Well,” the man replies, “she was here, and you could have.”
A doctor complains to his colleagues about the sanitary problems at a latex glove factory in Mexico.
"Workers stick their hands in melted latex and then dip their hands in a vat of cooling water to solidify the latex. The glove is then thrown in a finished products box."
His colleagues are disgusted by the lack of care taken in keeping the gloves sanitary.
"That's not all," says the doctor, "You don't even want to know how they make their condoms!"
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well, then.” said God, “Let us see it Jesus fared any better.”
Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers.
Satan was astonished and stuttered, “But how? I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”
God chuckled and replied, “Jesus saves.”
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation – What did you learn from this demonstration???
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, ‘As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!’
Bubba was driving down the street looking for a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up beer and bacon!”
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Bubba looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony, beaming at the thousands of people in the courtyard below.
The Queen said to the Pope out of the side of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope replied, "No way! You can't do that."
The Queen said, "Watch this!"
So, the Queen waved her hand and every English person in the crowd went crazy,
waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering like mad.
The Pope was standing there thinking, "Oh no, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."
He thought to himself for a minute, and then turned to her and said, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild. Not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen replied, "No way, it can't be done."
So, the Pope head-butted her.
A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most deserted beach at Ft. Myers Florida .
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “How are you today?”
“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.
“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.
“First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago,” he replied and turned back to his book.
“I sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely,”she countered. “Do you live around here?” She asked.
“Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ,” he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted,” Do you like pussy cats?”
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and pounded her like she has never been pounded before.
After she caught her breath, she asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man replied. “How did you know my name was Katz?”
Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game, whose headgear partially blocked the view, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there.”
The second guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there.”
The third guy said, “I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there.”
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm, voice said, “Why don’t you go to hell. There aren’t any nuns there.”
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