A customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free s*e*x.
"Pick a number from 1 to 10," the owner said. "If you guess correctly, you get the free s*e*x." The customer guessed 8.
"Sorry," the owner said. "The correct number was 7. Maybe next time.
The next day, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up. Again, he asked for his free s*e*x. Again, the owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. The man guessed 2. The owner said, "Sorry, the correct number was 3. Maybe next time."
As they were driving away, the man said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged. I don't think he's giving away any free s*e*x."
"No, it's not rigged," his buddy replied, "I know that for sure. My sister won twice last week!"
After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead.
Chris panicked!
"If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever," he thought.
So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur.
Chris knew his neighbors kept their back door open during the summer, so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.
A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.
"Did you hear that Fluffy died?" the neighbor asked.
"Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?" Chris mumbled.
The neighbor replied, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage!"
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The leaf had been pressed in between pages.
"Momma, look what I found", the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!!"
On a long haul Emirates flight, a mother took her young son to the toilet and told him she would come back for him, in five minutes.
However, he was finished in two minutes so he left the toilet and wandered off down the aisle, in the opposite direction from where his mother was.
Meanwhile, a businessman entered the toilet and locked the door.
After the five minutes were up, the mother knocked on the door and called out, "Do you need any help with the zipper?"
From behind the door, a startled male voice said, "Good God !! That's what I call service!!!!! "
Two irish ducks crossing the road.
The one at the back goes " Quack, quack".
The other one turns round and says, " Fer facks sake, I'm going as quack as I can."
A woman in a grocery store happened upon a grandfather and his poorly-behaved 3-year-old grandson. It was obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles.
Meanwhile, Gramps was working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, ”Easy, Albert, we won’t be long — easy, boy.”
Another outburst, and she heard Gramps calmly say, “It’s okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little terror was throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice was saying, “Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.”
Very impressed, the woman went outside where Gramps was loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
“You know, sir, it’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”
“Thanks, lady,” said Gramps, “But, I’m Albert — the little bastard’s name is Stevie..”
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired, “Where have you been?”
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.”
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?”
”It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put life on it.. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test Balance.”
“Balance?” inquired Michael, “I’m still confused.”
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.”
God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”
The Archangel , impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?”
“That’s Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of aircraft and software.”
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, “But what about balance, God? You said there would be
balance.”
God smiled, “There’s another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there.”
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