No one raises their hand.
The teacher says, "See its long neck? What animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks, "Is it a giraffe?"
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" asks the teacher.
Billy holds up his hand and says, "It's a zebra."
"Very good Billy," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is! It's a horny bastard."
Guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, “Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache.”
The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, “If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d know that’s a sheep, not a cow.”
The guy replies, “If you weren’t such a presumptuous bitch, you’d realize I was talking to the sheep.”
The commanding officer of a regiment in the U.S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was ‘work’ and how much of it was ‘pleasure?’
The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A captain said it was 50-50%.
The colonel’s aide responded with 75-25% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, ‘Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.’
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
‘Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.’
The room fell silent.
Frank works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Frank! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Frank. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Frank if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Frank, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Frankie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Frank's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Frank follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Frank tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Frank, you picked up a real bitch this time."
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who’s car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?
Driver: Yeah, and I’ll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!
Everything you need to know about life, can be learned from Noah’s Ark
One : Don’t miss the boat.
Two : Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three : Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark..
Four : Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five : Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six : Build your future on high ground.
Seven : For safety sake, travel in pairs.
Eight : Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine : When you’re stressed, float a while.
Ten : Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there’s always a rainbow waiting.
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”
“No,” I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.
“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked.
“No,” I don’t waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”
“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going t o take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight.
The homeless Woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine.”
It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My name is Bob Fuckhauer."
Upset, the teacher said very loudly, "THERE'LL BE NONE OF THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR IN MY CLASS THIS YEAR, now Bob; tell me your real name!"
The kid said, "No, really teacher, it is Bob Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"
Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class, "Do you have Fuckhauer in here?"
"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a damn cookie break!"
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