31 iulie 2009

Friday laughs

A young man called directory assistance. “Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.”

“There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,” the operator replied. “Do you have a street name?”

The young man hesitated, and then said, “Well, most people call me Ice Man.”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Johnny wanted to screw a hot girl in his office - but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and just said "I'll give you $1,000 if you let me screw you".

The girl said "No".

Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend said "OK, ask for $2,000 and pick up the money real fast so he won't even be able to get his pants down". So she accepts the proposal as offered.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girl to call so they can think about what to do with the two grand.

Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks whats happening? She replies "The bastard used coins".

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him.

"You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.

"I choose this room!" the man says.

"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

"You can go now. I've found your replacement."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I say:"$20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay..."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out. While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO!" he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there."

"Yes there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I'm sorry" he says, "But my Mom told me that ALL women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Five reasons not to be a penis

1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and...
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1 I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.


Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious
looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

An ugly bloke is on his way home from the pub one night when he passes a level train crossing.

Suddenly, he spots a slim, big-boobed woman tied to the train tracks, so he rushes over to untie her.

He then takes her back to his place, where he makes love to her all night, unable to believe his luck.

The next day, he goes back to his local to tell the story.

"You're a lucky bastard," says the landlord. "So was she pretty, blonde, brunette? What exactly?"

"I don't know," he replies. "I didn't manage to find the head."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck’s house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn’t easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and, wanted to let him go.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a baseball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?"

She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part," she replied.

"Was it when they cut off your balls?" asked the guys.

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part," said the girl.

"What was the most painful part?" the guys asked.

She answered, "The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Catching lions with science

1. Newton's Method:
Let, the lion catch you...
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction...
Implies you have caught the lion (Assuming that you're alive)...

2. Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion...
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also
run faster and will get tired soon...
Now you can trap it easily...

3. Schrodinger Method:
At any given moment, there is a positive probability
that the lion should be in the cage...
So set the trap, sit down and wait...

4. Inverse Transformation Method:
We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it...
Perform an inverse transformation with respect to lion...
Lion's in and we are out!

5. Thermodynamic Procedure:
We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows
every thing to pass in it except the lions...
Then sweep the entire forest with it...

6. Integration Differention Method:
Integrate the forest over the entire the area...
The lion is some where in the result...
So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t. the lion
to trace out the lion...

7. The Sardar's Method:
Don't try. You'll get caught by the lion...

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

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