The grandson followed this advice religiously until the day he died at age 103.
He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 24 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
A new business was opening and one of the owner’’s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said “Rest in Peace”.
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said:
“Sir, I”m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying ”Congratulations on your new location”.”
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".
The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".
The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the head.
The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.
The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, “Spit it out! Spit it out, you bastard!”
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman’s apartment. “I can’t imagine what it will be like making love to a midget,” said the woman, “especially with the size difference and all.”
“Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes,” said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she’d ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.
“If you think that was good,” said the midget with a smirk, “Just wait till I get BOTH FUCK’N legs in there!”
An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute."
The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
Three generals, one from the Army, one from the Air Force, and the third from the Marine Corps, were having a debate about whose soldiers were the bravest.
To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: “Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing ‘Wild Blue Yonder’, and then jump off!”
“YES SIR!” replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.
The general dismisses him. “Now that’s bravery!” exclaims the general.
“Bravery, nothing,” snorts the Army general. “Get over here, private!”
“YES SIR!!” replies the private.
“Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first.”
“YES SIR!!” replies the private, and completes the task.
“Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!”
They look to the Marine. “Private,” the Marine Corps General commands.
“YES SIR!!”
“Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing ‘The Halls of Montezuma’, put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst.”
The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, “TO HELL WITH YOU SIR!!”
The general turns to the others and says, “Now THAT’S bravery!”
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They’d spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.
“The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette.”
President Clinton frowned. “Russian roulette’s not a friendly, nice game.”
The African leader smiled. “That’s why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you’ll have to play. I’ll show you how.”
He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. “You can choose any one of these women to give you oral sex,” he told Clinton.
This gained Clinton’s immediate attention, and he was ready to make his choice, when a thought occurred to him. “How on earth is this related to Russian roulette?”
The African leader said “One of them is a cannibal.”
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
via via via via
Postări
Niciun comentariu:
Trimiteți un comentariu