9 octombrie 2009

Friday laughs

A college student was delivering pizza to a regular customer's house in New York. The guy who answered the door asked him, "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth,"this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."

"Is that so?" snorted the man. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks!" replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying?" asked the man.

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your bits were chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find them.

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on,

'You've got $9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand dollars an inch.

The bloke perks up at this.

'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. It's something you'd better discuss with your wife.I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nineincher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?

'I have.' says the fellow.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has' says the bloke.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're having a new kitchen'.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

The private jumped out of his foxhole and took off for the rear.

“Get down, you fool,” yelled the lieutenant. “The enemy will see you where you are!”

“They may see where I was,” the soldier shouted back, “but, by golly, nobody’s gonna see where I am!”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Q: “What has an IQ of 42?”

A: “40 Marines plus their lieutenant”

Q. “Why does the Navy put Marines on board ships?”

A. “Because sheep would be too obvious”

Q. “What do smart Marines and UFOs have in common?”

A. “You always hear about them but you never see them”
Q. “Why do the commodes in Marine barracks have the cut-out type seats?”

A. “So that if the seat falls while they’re drinking, it won’t smack them in the back of the head”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Two drunk fighter pilots are flying in formation.

Leader to W1: “Can you see me?”

W1 to Leader: “No.”"Can you see ME?”

Leader to W1: “No.”

W1 to Leader: “Cool, now we are stealth fighters.”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

‘Not a chance,’ says the husband, ‘it is 3:00 in the morning!’ He slams the door and returns to bed.

‘Who was that?’ asked his wife.

‘Just some drunk asking for a push,’ he answers.

‘Did you help him?’ she asks.

‘No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it’s pouring rain out there!’

‘Well, you have a short memory,’ says his wife. ‘Can’t you remember about three months ago when our car broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!’

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, ‘Hello, are you still there?’

‘Yes,’ comes back the answer.

‘Do you u still need a push?’ calls out the husband.

‘Yes, please!’ came the reply from the dark.

‘Where are you?’ asks the husband.

‘Over here on the swing,’ replies the drunk.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A teacher told her class to go home and the first 5 words they heard they were to say in school the next day. One boy went home and as soon as he walked into the kichen he heard his mother say:

“SHUT UP!!!!”

So he wrote down ”shut up” on a pice of papper. He went into the living room to find his dad wathching a movie, and it said:

“Yea Baby!”

So he wrote that down on his paper. He was going through the dining room to go to his sisters room, when he heard a Batman episode on. The theme song was on, and it said:

“Da-na-na-na Batman!!”

So he wrote that down too. When he got to his sisters room, she was praticing for the school play. He came in when she sang:

“Over the rainbow!!!”

When he wote that down he shouted “Yes, I’m done my homework!”

When he went to school the next day the teacher aked him to say his words first. He stood up and said:

“Shut up!”

The teacher was furious and said “Excuse me? Do you want to go to the Principal’s office youngman?”

The boy replied, “Yea baby.”

So the teacher sent him to the office right away. Still saying his wods the princiapal asked him “Who do you think you are telling a teacher to shut up?”

The boy answerd, “Da-na-na-na Batman!!”

“Oh really?” said the principal “Where do you think you’re going now?”

The boy answerd the simple question with a simple answer, “Over the rainbow!”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Joey and Katie are sitting in school.

Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.

“Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?” Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty! !” Exclaimed Katie.

“Correct.” Says the teacher.

So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up “Who created Heaven and Earth?” Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey’s pencil “Jesus Christ almighty!” she exclaims.

“Correct again.” Says the teacher.

So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”

Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey’s pencil again, and screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A little 9 year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she said, " Can we leave now?"

"No." her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Well, then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about 2 minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes," replied the little girl.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy," she replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick.'"

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘tragedy’.

So our illustrious democratic President asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy’.

One little boy stood up and offered: ‘If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy?’

‘No,’ said Obama, ‘that would be an accident.’ A little girl raised her hand: ‘If a school bus carrying 50 children drove a over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.’ ‘I’m afraid not,’ explained Obama. ‘That’s what we would call a great loss.’

The room went silent… No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. ‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: ‘If the plane carrying you and Mrs.. Obama was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.’

‘Fantastic!’ exclaimed Obama. ‘That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?’

‘Well,’ says Little Johnny, ‘It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss… and it probably wouldn’t be a damn accident either.’

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

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