Iata ce se intampla cand parintii iau atitudine si ii taie progeniturii accesul la contul de World of Warcraft. Reactia: priceless
27 iunie 2009
26 iunie 2009
Friday laughs
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it’s worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What’s the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
‘Are you sure it’s mine?’
Why did O.J Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him ‘Sum Ting Wong’
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment
What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… ‘a recipe’.
What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins ‘Once upon a time .’ -A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this....
Why is there no Disneyland in Japan ?
No one’s tall enough to go on the good rides
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy costume party. He doesn’t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your
wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, ''Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.''
''Well, how much does a brain cost?'' asked the relatives.
''For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000,'' replied the doctor.
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, ''Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?''
''Standard pricing practice,'' said the doctor. ''Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used.''
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
The neighbors of a certain woman in a New England town maintain that this lady entertains some very peculiar notions touching the training of children. Local opinion ascribes these oddities on her part to the fact that she attended normal school for one year just before her marriage.
Said one neighbor: "She does a lot of funny things. What do you suppose I heard her say to that boy of hers this afternoon?"
"I dunno. What was it?"
"Well, you know her husband cut his finger badly yesterday with a hay-cutter; and this afternoon as I was goin' by the house I heard her say:
"Now, William, you must be a very good boy, for your father has injured his hand, and if you are naughty he won't be able to whip you."
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees."
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Two blondes walk into a bar, each orders a drink. They go and sit down and start toasting and cheering, "51 days! 51 Days!!" About five minutes later, another blonde walks in,Orders a drink, and joins the other two in the cheering.
Finally, another blonde walks in with what looks like a Cardboard picture. She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and starts cheering with the others, "51 days!
51 days!! The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture is a Cookie Monster Puzzle. He walks over to one of the blondes and asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the blonde says, "everyone thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Children's books that didn't make it:
1) You're Different -- And That's Bad
2) The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
3) Robert: Dad's New Wife
4) Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5) The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
6) Kathy Was So Bad That her Mom Stopped Loving Her
7) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8) All Cats Go to Hell
9) The Little Sissy That Snitched
10) Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
11) That's It; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption.
12) Grandpa Gets a Casket
13) 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool
14) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15) Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
16) The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17) Strangers Have the Best Candy
18) Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19) You Were an Accident
20) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21) Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
22) Your Nightmares Are Real
23) Where Would You Like to be Buried?
24) You've Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown
25) Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from Your Nose
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
The blonde reported for her university final examination which consists of “yes/no” type questions? She took her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration took her purse out, removed a coin and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet -Yes For Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class was sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she said, "I am rechecking my answers."
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.
"Mommy! Mommy! What are those?" He says, pointing to her breasts.
"Well, son," she explains, "These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.
Incredibly, he appears to believe his mother's story and goes off, quite satisfied.
A few days later, the little boy comes running home to get his mother from the kitchen.
"Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Jenny is dying the boy screams."
"What do you mean?" his mother asks.
"Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out, and Dad's trying to blow 'em up for her and she keeps yelling 'God, I'm coming!!'."
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it’s worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What’s the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
‘Are you sure it’s mine?’
Why did O.J Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him ‘Sum Ting Wong’
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment
What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… ‘a recipe’.
What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins ‘Once upon a time .’ -A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this....
Why is there no Disneyland in Japan ?
No one’s tall enough to go on the good rides
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy costume party. He doesn’t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your
wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple.
A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, ''Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.''
''Well, how much does a brain cost?'' asked the relatives.
''For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000,'' replied the doctor.
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, ''Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?''
''Standard pricing practice,'' said the doctor. ''Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used.''
The neighbors of a certain woman in a New England town maintain that this lady entertains some very peculiar notions touching the training of children. Local opinion ascribes these oddities on her part to the fact that she attended normal school for one year just before her marriage.
Said one neighbor: "She does a lot of funny things. What do you suppose I heard her say to that boy of hers this afternoon?"
"I dunno. What was it?"
"Well, you know her husband cut his finger badly yesterday with a hay-cutter; and this afternoon as I was goin' by the house I heard her say:
"Now, William, you must be a very good boy, for your father has injured his hand, and if you are naughty he won't be able to whip you."
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees."
Two blondes walk into a bar, each orders a drink. They go and sit down and start toasting and cheering, "51 days! 51 Days!!" About five minutes later, another blonde walks in,Orders a drink, and joins the other two in the cheering.
Finally, another blonde walks in with what looks like a Cardboard picture. She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and starts cheering with the others, "51 days!
51 days!! The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture is a Cookie Monster Puzzle. He walks over to one of the blondes and asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the blonde says, "everyone thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!
Children's books that didn't make it:
1) You're Different -- And That's Bad
2) The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
3) Robert: Dad's New Wife
4) Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5) The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
6) Kathy Was So Bad That her Mom Stopped Loving Her
7) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8) All Cats Go to Hell
9) The Little Sissy That Snitched
10) Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
11) That's It; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption.
12) Grandpa Gets a Casket
13) 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool
14) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15) Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
16) The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17) Strangers Have the Best Candy
18) Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19) You Were an Accident
20) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21) Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
22) Your Nightmares Are Real
23) Where Would You Like to be Buried?
24) You've Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown
25) Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from Your Nose
The blonde reported for her university final examination which consists of “yes/no” type questions? She took her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration took her purse out, removed a coin and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet -Yes For Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class was sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she said, "I am rechecking my answers."
A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.
"Mommy! Mommy! What are those?" He says, pointing to her breasts.
"Well, son," she explains, "These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.
Incredibly, he appears to believe his mother's story and goes off, quite satisfied.
A few days later, the little boy comes running home to get his mother from the kitchen.
"Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Jenny is dying the boy screams."
"What do you mean?" his mother asks.
"Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out, and Dad's trying to blow 'em up for her and she keeps yelling 'God, I'm coming!!'."
24 iunie 2009
Recreere
Va propun 2 filmulete pentru destindere si incarcare cu energie pozitiva
Primul este cel mai recent scurt metraj al celor de la Pixar (Up, Wall-e, Ratatouille, Cars, etc), Partly Cloudy pe numele sau.
Al doilea este o viziune asupra fetelor a unui copil de 10 ani. Unul din cele mai bune scurt-metraje pe care le-am vazut in ultimul timp.
Primul este cel mai recent scurt metraj al celor de la Pixar (Up, Wall-e, Ratatouille, Cars, etc), Partly Cloudy pe numele sau.
Al doilea este o viziune asupra fetelor a unui copil de 10 ani. Unul din cele mai bune scurt-metraje pe care le-am vazut in ultimul timp.
23 iunie 2009
Sunt revoltata si enervata
Si iata de ce:
- de cei ce dimineata dupa ce citesc ziarele gratuite se chinuie sa le indese in cosu de gunoi cand cutiile goale de ziare stau alaturi - nu e mai simplu sa il pui in cutie si sa il mai citeasca si altcineva?
- trecerea de pietoni de la Brancoveanu ce a devenit una dintre cele mai idioate din Bucuresti: nu ai timp sa traversezi nici pana la mijlocul strazii si se pune rosu (si merg repede si port adidasi)
- soferii care dupa ploaie cand vad oameni pe trotuar accelereaza si cauta sa ia balta si rad (da de dimineata am avut parte de un genial de-asta si de 10 minute de curatat blugi si tricou - dar acum macar avem trotuar asa ca e bine)
- de tipele de la banci care te trateaza cu atata superioritate si nu se sinchisesc sa iti verifice datele (pentru ca isi strica unghiutele de un metru lungime proaspat facute daca tasteaza)
- de cei ce se inghesuie in metrou fara sa le pese ca ii lovesc pe ceilalti
- de cei care sunt prea plini de ei sa isi mai aminteasca de cei ce le erau candva prieteni
- de cei ce au prea mult noroc (am avut parte de cativa oameni ce pur si simplu au prea mult noroc - pana si ei afirma asta)
- de piersicile de import fara gust
- de cei ce asculta muzica atat de tare in metrou incat o auzi si tu si tipa la tine cand ii rogi sa se dea ca vrei sa cobori ("Ce nu poti sa intrebi tre sa te impingi?! " <- de dimineata in metrou am asistat la 7 evenimente de acest tip)
- de softul telefonului care imi face zile negre ( nu zic ca e telefonul - doar ultima varianta de soft)
- de durerea de cap care nu trece cu nimic (nu a mea ... a altora dar care vor sa iti provoace si tie una)
- de site-urile utile la care nu ai acces pe motive idioate (de ex la un site de produse electronice mi-a aparut ca motiv: "Access denied by WebWasher DynaBLocator content category. The requested URL belongs to the following category: Swimwear, Lingerie, and Nudity".)
- am vrut si eu o inghetata .... si deja era inchis
- ca nu am realizat azi cat de repede a trecut timpul
- ca am ramas fara servetele si nu mai am de unde sa imi cumpar
- si lista continua cu multe multe altele - unele chiar motive reale
Si zambesc :) - caci toate sunt lucruri minore (au fost si cateva mai urate dar nu se spun). Si sunt facute sa nu ne lase sa adormim sau sa ne plictisim.
Ca daca domim prea mult ne punem intrebari daca este bine sau nu. Sau daca ne plictisim cautam pe google prostii.
- de cei ce dimineata dupa ce citesc ziarele gratuite se chinuie sa le indese in cosu de gunoi cand cutiile goale de ziare stau alaturi - nu e mai simplu sa il pui in cutie si sa il mai citeasca si altcineva?
- trecerea de pietoni de la Brancoveanu ce a devenit una dintre cele mai idioate din Bucuresti: nu ai timp sa traversezi nici pana la mijlocul strazii si se pune rosu (si merg repede si port adidasi)
- soferii care dupa ploaie cand vad oameni pe trotuar accelereaza si cauta sa ia balta si rad (da de dimineata am avut parte de un genial de-asta si de 10 minute de curatat blugi si tricou - dar acum macar avem trotuar asa ca e bine)
- de tipele de la banci care te trateaza cu atata superioritate si nu se sinchisesc sa iti verifice datele (pentru ca isi strica unghiutele de un metru lungime proaspat facute daca tasteaza)
- de cei ce se inghesuie in metrou fara sa le pese ca ii lovesc pe ceilalti
- de cei care sunt prea plini de ei sa isi mai aminteasca de cei ce le erau candva prieteni
- de cei ce au prea mult noroc (am avut parte de cativa oameni ce pur si simplu au prea mult noroc - pana si ei afirma asta)
- de piersicile de import fara gust
- de cei ce asculta muzica atat de tare in metrou incat o auzi si tu si tipa la tine cand ii rogi sa se dea ca vrei sa cobori ("Ce nu poti sa intrebi tre sa te impingi?! " <- de dimineata in metrou am asistat la 7 evenimente de acest tip)
- de softul telefonului care imi face zile negre ( nu zic ca e telefonul - doar ultima varianta de soft)
- de durerea de cap care nu trece cu nimic (nu a mea ... a altora dar care vor sa iti provoace si tie una)
- de site-urile utile la care nu ai acces pe motive idioate (de ex la un site de produse electronice mi-a aparut ca motiv: "Access denied by WebWasher DynaBLocator content category. The requested URL belongs to the following category: Swimwear, Lingerie, and Nudity".)
- am vrut si eu o inghetata .... si deja era inchis
- ca nu am realizat azi cat de repede a trecut timpul
- ca am ramas fara servetele si nu mai am de unde sa imi cumpar
- si lista continua cu multe multe altele - unele chiar motive reale
Si zambesc :) - caci toate sunt lucruri minore (au fost si cateva mai urate dar nu se spun). Si sunt facute sa nu ne lase sa adormim sau sa ne plictisim.
Ca daca domim prea mult ne punem intrebari daca este bine sau nu. Sau daca ne plictisim cautam pe google prostii.
Ce mai cauta oamenii legat de somn...
Azi am avut o curiozitate: ce curiozitati au oamenii legat de somn si ce mai cauta legat de asta. Am apelat la google si asta a reiesit:
Deci stresul principal al oamenilor legat de somn este daca slabesc sau se ingrasa cand dorm. Si ca dorm prea mult.
Deci stresul principal al oamenilor legat de somn este daca slabesc sau se ingrasa cand dorm. Si ca dorm prea mult.
19 iunie 2009
Friday laughs
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answers Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that! Get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his Corona and says, “Bicycles.”
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialled the employees’ home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”.
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
“Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper!”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, “They’re looking for me!”
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
The wife was reading a newspaper, while her husband, was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
“Listen to this,” she said. “There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.”
“Hmmm,” said the husband, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, the wife said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?”
“Absolutely not,” he said.
“How sweet,” she said. “Tell me why not.”
“Season’s more than half over.”
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for 350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth 350. When the clerk tells him 350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
“But we didn’t use them,” the man complains.
“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
“The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.
“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” complains the man again.
“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t use it!”
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But sir,” he says, “this check is only made out for 100.”
“That’s right,” says the man. “I charged you 250 for sleeping with my wife.”
“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.
“Well,” the man replies, “she was here, and you could have.”
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
A doctor complains to his colleagues about the sanitary problems at a latex glove factory in Mexico.
"Workers stick their hands in melted latex and then dip their hands in a vat of cooling water to solidify the latex. The glove is then thrown in a finished products box."
His colleagues are disgusted by the lack of care taken in keeping the gloves sanitary.
"That's not all," says the doctor, "You don't even want to know how they make their condoms!"
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well, then.” said God, “Let us see it Jesus fared any better.”
Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers.
Satan was astonished and stuttered, “But how? I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”
God chuckled and replied, “Jesus saves.”
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation – What did you learn from this demonstration???
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, ‘As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!’
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Bubba was driving down the street looking for a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up beer and bacon!”
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Bubba looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony, beaming at the thousands of people in the courtyard below.
The Queen said to the Pope out of the side of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope replied, "No way! You can't do that."
The Queen said, "Watch this!"
So, the Queen waved her hand and every English person in the crowd went crazy,
waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering like mad.
The Pope was standing there thinking, "Oh no, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."
He thought to himself for a minute, and then turned to her and said, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild. Not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen replied, "No way, it can't be done."
So, the Pope head-butted her.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most deserted beach at Ft. Myers Florida .
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “How are you today?”
“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.
“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.
“First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago,” he replied and turned back to his book.
“I sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely,”she countered. “Do you live around here?” She asked.
“Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ,” he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted,” Do you like pussy cats?”
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and pounded her like she has never been pounded before.
After she caught her breath, she asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man replied. “How did you know my name was Katz?”
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game, whose headgear partially blocked the view, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there.”
The second guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there.”
The third guy said, “I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there.”
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm, voice said, “Why don’t you go to hell. There aren’t any nuns there.”
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answers Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that! Get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his Corona and says, “Bicycles.”
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialled the employees’ home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”.
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
“Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper!”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, “They’re looking for me!”
The wife was reading a newspaper, while her husband, was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
“Listen to this,” she said. “There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.”
“Hmmm,” said the husband, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, the wife said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?”
“Absolutely not,” he said.
“How sweet,” she said. “Tell me why not.”
“Season’s more than half over.”
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for 350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth 350. When the clerk tells him 350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
“But we didn’t use them,” the man complains.
“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
“The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.
“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” complains the man again.
“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t use it!”
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But sir,” he says, “this check is only made out for 100.”
“That’s right,” says the man. “I charged you 250 for sleeping with my wife.”
“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.
“Well,” the man replies, “she was here, and you could have.”
A doctor complains to his colleagues about the sanitary problems at a latex glove factory in Mexico.
"Workers stick their hands in melted latex and then dip their hands in a vat of cooling water to solidify the latex. The glove is then thrown in a finished products box."
His colleagues are disgusted by the lack of care taken in keeping the gloves sanitary.
"That's not all," says the doctor, "You don't even want to know how they make their condoms!"
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well, then.” said God, “Let us see it Jesus fared any better.”
Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers.
Satan was astonished and stuttered, “But how? I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”
God chuckled and replied, “Jesus saves.”
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation – What did you learn from this demonstration???
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, ‘As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!’
Bubba was driving down the street looking for a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up beer and bacon!”
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Bubba looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony, beaming at the thousands of people in the courtyard below.
The Queen said to the Pope out of the side of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope replied, "No way! You can't do that."
The Queen said, "Watch this!"
So, the Queen waved her hand and every English person in the crowd went crazy,
waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering like mad.
The Pope was standing there thinking, "Oh no, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."
He thought to himself for a minute, and then turned to her and said, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild. Not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen replied, "No way, it can't be done."
So, the Pope head-butted her.
A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most deserted beach at Ft. Myers Florida .
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “How are you today?”
“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.
“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.
“First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago,” he replied and turned back to his book.
“I sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely,”she countered. “Do you live around here?” She asked.
“Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ,” he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted,” Do you like pussy cats?”
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and pounded her like she has never been pounded before.
After she caught her breath, she asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man replied. “How did you know my name was Katz?”
Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game, whose headgear partially blocked the view, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there.”
The second guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there.”
The third guy said, “I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there.”
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm, voice said, “Why don’t you go to hell. There aren’t any nuns there.”
5 iunie 2009
Friday laughs
There was an athlete who wanted to accept a scholarship to a well-known college. To be awarded it, however, he had to pass a physical, since it was an athletic scholarship.
When Tim found out about the scholarship, he called his friends all to come over to his house to help him celebrate. They got plastered, and several of the friends had "donated" marjuana.
The next morning, realizing that he would be asked to provide a urine sample, he knew the marijuana would show up in it. He had a brainstorm!!
Calling his girlfriend on the phone, he said, "Hey, Patti I need a favour. Can you give me a small jar of urine? I'll need it for the physical tomorrow, and we kinda let things go here."
Patti agreed, and within an hour, she came over, carrying a small mayo jar of yellow liquid.
Tim thanked her, and he proceeded to take the "sample" to the college physical with him the next day. When the doctor asked him for a sample, he went into the restroom, and poured the urine Patti had given him into the vial.
All was fine -- he thought!!
Two days later, the athletic director at the college called Tim, and said, "I'm afraid we have to withdraw the scholarship offer."
"WHY?" asked Tim.
"We just cannot," said the A.D., "have a pregnant man on our football team!"
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.
"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.
"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, What perfect headlights. Then you felt my thighs and murmured, what a smooth finish."
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.
"Nothing, but then you felt my p**sy and yelled, who the hell left the garage door open?"
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.
Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.
The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time. We'll miss him."
"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."
Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."
But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."
With one voice and in tearful outrage the children screamed, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He says “Yes, just caffeine.”
“Have you ever been in the service?” the interviewer asks.
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”
The interviewer says “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.”, and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes… an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off.”
The interviewer tells the guy “O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day. Don’t worry,we’ll still pay you from 8am.”
The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don’t you want me to be here before 10am?”
“‘This is a government job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
A man is in a hotel lobby. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says:
“Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “if your cock is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
A little boy says to his mother, “Mommy, how come I’m black and you’re white.”
His mother replied, “Don’t even go there! From what little I can remember about that party, you’re lucky you don’t bark!”
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price.
What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or £800.
What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800.
Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800 and his profit is £200.
Your assignment: Underline the number 200.
5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £200. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.
If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counselling will be available)
6... Teaching Maths 2018
à ÇáãÓÌá ÊÈíÚ Íãæáå ÔÇÍäÉ ãä ÇáÎÔÈ ãä ÏæáÇÑ. ÕÇÍÈ ÊßáÝÉ ÇáÇäÊÇÌ ãä> ÇáËãä.
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***** ***** ***** ***** *****
An Australian man is seeking to join the Police force
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good,
but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can
be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug
dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"I like your attitude!" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed.
The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing.
American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss. the brain said,
''I should be boss because i control the whole body's responses and functions.''
The feet said, ''We should be boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.''
The hands said, ''We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.'' and so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the a**hole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the a**hole being the boss. So, the a**hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the a**hole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the s***!
Moral of the story: you don't need brains to be a boss - any a**hole will do.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know whom you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee..
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back "And do you know whom YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God....!!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.
When Tim found out about the scholarship, he called his friends all to come over to his house to help him celebrate. They got plastered, and several of the friends had "donated" marjuana.
The next morning, realizing that he would be asked to provide a urine sample, he knew the marijuana would show up in it. He had a brainstorm!!
Calling his girlfriend on the phone, he said, "Hey, Patti I need a favour. Can you give me a small jar of urine? I'll need it for the physical tomorrow, and we kinda let things go here."
Patti agreed, and within an hour, she came over, carrying a small mayo jar of yellow liquid.
Tim thanked her, and he proceeded to take the "sample" to the college physical with him the next day. When the doctor asked him for a sample, he went into the restroom, and poured the urine Patti had given him into the vial.
All was fine -- he thought!!
Two days later, the athletic director at the college called Tim, and said, "I'm afraid we have to withdraw the scholarship offer."
"WHY?" asked Tim.
"We just cannot," said the A.D., "have a pregnant man on our football team!"
The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.
"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.
"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, What perfect headlights. Then you felt my thighs and murmured, what a smooth finish."
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.
"Nothing, but then you felt my p**sy and yelled, who the hell left the garage door open?"
The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.
Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.
The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time. We'll miss him."
"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."
Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."
But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."
With one voice and in tearful outrage the children screamed, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He says “Yes, just caffeine.”
“Have you ever been in the service?” the interviewer asks.
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”
The interviewer says “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.”, and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes… an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off.”
The interviewer tells the guy “O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day. Don’t worry,we’ll still pay you from 8am.”
The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don’t you want me to be here before 10am?”
“‘This is a government job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
A man is in a hotel lobby. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says:
“Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “if your cock is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”
A little boy says to his mother, “Mommy, how come I’m black and you’re white.”
His mother replied, “Don’t even go there! From what little I can remember about that party, you’re lucky you don’t bark!”
1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price.
What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or £800.
What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800.
Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800 and his profit is £200.
Your assignment: Underline the number 200.
5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £200. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.
If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counselling will be available)
6... Teaching Maths 2018
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An Australian man is seeking to join the Police force
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good,
but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can
be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug
dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"I like your attitude!" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed.
The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing.
American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss. the brain said,
''I should be boss because i control the whole body's responses and functions.''
The feet said, ''We should be boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.''
The hands said, ''We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.'' and so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the a**hole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the a**hole being the boss. So, the a**hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the a**hole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the s***!
Moral of the story: you don't need brains to be a boss - any a**hole will do.
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know whom you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee..
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back "And do you know whom YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God....!!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.
4 iunie 2009
Avem masinarie, cautam utilizare
Avem un switch. Ce facem cu el? Construim o masinarie in jurul sau. La ce foloseste masinaria? La nimic dar noi o construim.
sursa
sursa
Treaba romaneasca
S-a inventat noul celofan cu efect de protectie. Bineinteles, romanii deetin patentul pentru aceasta inventie. Iata minunea in actiune.
Totul are un sfarsit
Totul ce ne inconjoara are un timp finit de viata. Nimic nu este etern. Iata o ilustrarea a timpului de viata al diferitelor concepte din viitor si trecut.
Bloggingul mai are vreo 10-12 ani. Undeva in viitor (noi n-apucam) o s-o terminam si cu moartea. Poate apucam macar sfarsitul Google.
Bloggingul mai are vreo 10-12 ani. Undeva in viitor (noi n-apucam) o s-o terminam si cu moartea. Poate apucam macar sfarsitul Google.
1 iunie 2009
Cum sa opresti pe trecerea pentru pietoni
Piata Victoriei, 17:00-17:30, ora de varf al traficului. Iata cum opreste un dobitoc:
Sta cu nesimtire in masina oprita fix pe trecerea pentru pietoni. Cei care trec prin zona stiu cum e fluxul oamenilor la acea ora. Muflonul e impasibil. Nu schiteaza niciun gest. Isi sustine doar capu' sa nu cada si sa lase gatu' descoperit. La 10m in fata lui e indicator de parcare si loc berechet. Dar el e smecher si opreaste unde vrea muschiu' lui. Pietonii sa ocoleasca. Eram cu bicicleta ca altfel traversam pe capota lui.
Sta cu nesimtire in masina oprita fix pe trecerea pentru pietoni. Cei care trec prin zona stiu cum e fluxul oamenilor la acea ora. Muflonul e impasibil. Nu schiteaza niciun gest. Isi sustine doar capu' sa nu cada si sa lase gatu' descoperit. La 10m in fata lui e indicator de parcare si loc berechet. Dar el e smecher si opreaste unde vrea muschiu' lui. Pietonii sa ocoleasca. Eram cu bicicleta ca altfel traversam pe capota lui.
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