Friday laughs

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow slightly larger every day over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"


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A couple takes their young son to the circus. When his father goes to buy popcorn, the boy asks, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"

"That's the elephant’s trunk, dear," she replies.

"No, Mom. Down underneath."

His mother blushes and says, "Oh, that's nothing."

The father returns and the mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question.

"That's the elephant’s trunk, son."

"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing down there."

The father says, "Oh, that's the elephant's penis."

"Dad," the son asks, "how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"

The man takes a deep breath and explains, "Well son, here's the truth.  I've really spoiled that woman."


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A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened.

"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."

"And?" asked the doctor.

"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey—this one here looks like yours!'"


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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He’d rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”

The man said, “Sure. I’ve come to install the phone!”


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Two strangers, a man and a woman, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they are tired and fall asleep quickly—he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1 a.m., the man leans over and gently wakes the woman and says, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” the woman replies. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a fantastic idea!” he exclaims, with a huge smile on his face.

“Good,” she replies. “Now, get your own damn blanket!”


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“Now, then, Christine,” said the math teacher, “I want to give you a little problem. Suppose there were five children and their mother had only four potatoes to share among them. She wanted to give each child an equal share. How would she do it?”

“Mash the potatoes,” the girl replied.


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A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.

While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150”.

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150?”.

The man replied, “A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance”.


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An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.'


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A Lieutenant, a Major, and a Colonel were dining with the General in his quarters one evening. The conversation turned to sex and the Lieutenant stated that making love to your wife is 10% work and 90% fun. The Major disagreed and stated that he believed making love to your wife is 40% work and 60% fun. The Colonel then stated that they were both wrong and that the ratio is 80% work and 20% fun. They decided to put the matter to a young Sergeant.

“Well, Sir,” he began, “I think you are all dead wrong. It must be 100% fun.”

“Why do you say that?”, asked the General.

“Because,” answered the young sergeant, “if it involved any work at all, you’d assign an enlisted person to do it for you.”


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A man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he’d like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife’s birthday.

“A little surprise, eh?” smiled the clerk.

“You bet,” answered the customer. “She’s expecting a cruise.”


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Friday laughs

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.  Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.  “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind.” “Thank you for taking all of us with you .

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high”



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After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: “This is all in your mind” and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits, the shrink confesses: “I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.” Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says: “I can cure this.” He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: “This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!

All you have to do is say ’1-2-3' and it will be at your service. Then, when you are done, all you or your partner has to say is ’1234' and it will sleep again. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!”

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: “1-2-3” and suddenly he’s ready to got.

So then his wife says: “What did you say ’1-2-3' for?”


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An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”

The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, “For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”


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Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"


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An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

“Well,” said the American, “I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth.”

He continued, ” So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here.”

“That’s amazing!” said one of the doctors, “But what happened to the other two?”

“Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his.”


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Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. Canadians don’t change light bulbs, they accept them as they are.


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An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists. The terrorist leader said, “Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about.”

The Englishman replied, “I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown.”

The Canadian replied, “Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity.”

The American replied, “Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking.”


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An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers.

The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American’s gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.


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A widow goes on her first date since her husband's death, and afterward the two end up back at her place. Once in the bedroom, she takes off everything but her black panties.

"You can touch me anywhere else," she says, "but down there I'm still mourning."

"I figured as much," says the man. He then proceeds to pull down his pants and put on a black condom. "If you don't mind, I'd like to offer my deepest condolences."


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The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I've taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."

The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest's house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

"Hi, we're prostitutes," say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close that Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"


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Friday laughs

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer.   
"Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."


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One afternoon, Harry Harrington walks into his supervisor's office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Harry. "I knew I could count on you!"


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So this fella goes into the doctor's office for his annual physical. The doctor comes in, looks at him for a moment, and says,

"You need to stop masturbating".

"Why?"

"So I can do the exam."


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How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.


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How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bathtub.


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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?

An offer you can't understand.


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A man walks into a dentist's office and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."

Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

Man: "Yes, I know."

Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"

Man: "The light was on..."


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My blonde coworker was about to go on vacation. I needed to use her computer while she was away, so I asked if she could give me her password.

"Sure thing," she replied, and wrote it down for me:

MickeyMinnieDonaldGoofyHueyDeweyLouiePluto

"Sheesh! How come you made it so long?" I asked.

She rolled her eyes. "Well, DUH! It has to be at least 8 characters."


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A boy and his date were parked on a back road far away from town, making out, when the girl stopped the boy.

“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a professional prostitute, and I charge $100 to go any farther.”

The boy reluctantly paid her, and a couple of minutes later it was time to go back. But the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.

“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $120.”


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A driver cruising along a Texas road accidentally hit a calf, killing it. Wanting to do the right thing, the driver headed over to the owner's ranch house to explain what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Well, right now, it'd probably fetch about $50 or so," said the rancher. "But in six years, it would've brought me $1,500. So, $1,500 is what I'm out."

The driver sat down, wrote a check, and handed it to the rancher.

"Here you go," he said. "One check for $1,500. Post-dated six years from now."


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Friday laughs

Lots of blonde jokes. Enjoy!

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade four.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?
A: She didn't know what number came first.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?
A: She kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom".

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: They can't remember the number.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "What's a lightbulb?"

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Q: How do you get rid of blondes?
A: Form a circle, give each blonde a gun, and tell them they are a firing
squad.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?
A:Tell her a joke on Monday!

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Umor de razboi

O anecdota binecunoscuta in interiorul Reich-ului in timpul celui de-al doilea razboi mondial:

- Un rus inseamna un suflet; doi rusi inseamna o betie; trei rusi inseamna haos. Un german inseamna un savant; doi germani, un concert de muzica de camera; trei germani, razboi
- Dar francezii?
- Un francez inseamna un interlocutor placut; doi francezi, un partid politic; trei francezi, greva generala.

Friday laughs

An elderly couple walked hand in hand slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 70 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then people noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating, his wife helped to wipe his face neatly with a napkin.

The onlooking young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered...

"The teeth."

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Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross.

Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

A priest watches & then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the star of David and says: "Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business!"

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A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a tablet big enough to choke a horse.

“I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the tablet down his throat and guzzles water until he finally gets it swallowed. Then he hobbles back into the examining room.

Eventually, the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. “Okay,” he says. “After the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes.”

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Sitting together on a train was Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:
Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks:
I can’t wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.

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When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle, was devastated.

A couple of months later, Myrtle also died.

Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe.

Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him. She ran towards him, calling his name: "Joe! Darling... "

Joe said: "Hold your horses, woman, and don't 'darling' me! The deal was very clear!! "Until death do us part!"

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An American tourist pulls over the Hertz car in the middle of nowhere for a pee. Suddenly a bloke jumps out from behind a tree, pointing a shotgun at him. “Pull yourself off”, he orders.

“What?”

“Masturbate. Right now!”

Nervously, the tourist obliges.

“Now, do it again”.

“I can’t do it again”

“DO it again!”

So the tourist masturbates for a second time.

“Okay, once more”

“I couldn’t do it once more, no matter what. You may as well shoot me.”

“No, that’s fine. Now you can give my sister a lift to the next town.”

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After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: “When you are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

The first guy immediately responds, “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made
a huge difference in the children of tomorrow.”

The last guy thinks a minute and replies,

“I guess I’d like to hear them say, ‘Look, he’s moving!”

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The judge looked up at the man and asked ,

“Have you ever been up before me ? ”

” I don’t know “, said the man . “What time do you get up ? “

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Q. What is the definition of “making love”?

A. Something a woman does while a man is fucking her.

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A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom.” As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left, and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in my congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”

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Friday laughs

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky.

The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The man says,"Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"

The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says,

"Secret Service!"

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It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you being charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early sir," replied the defendant.

"Well, that's not a crime," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," answered the prisoner.

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"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."

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Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash, and the average male thief won’t be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

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Boy: I have a dick, and you dont!

Girl: My mother said, when I grow up, I can have as many as I want.

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A woman called a local hospital.

"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I’d like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said,
"What is the patient’s name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

I’ll connect you with the nursing station."

"3rd floor Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I’d like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that’s fantastic .. that’s wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I’m Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me a thing."

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A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“HELLLOOOOOOO.....” answered the blond. “They’re watch dogs!”

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A guy's wife is in a comma and he gets a call from the doctor

Doctor: I have something a little weird to ask you

Man: Ok

Doctor: Well when the nurse was washing your wife her hart rate jumped everytime she went over her vagina so I was thinking if you came in and had oral sex with your wife it might bring her out of the comma I know its a crazy request but I think its worth a shot.

Man: Ok doc I am willing to try anything

The man gets to the hospital goes into his wifes room 5 minutes later she flatlines doctor rushes in.

Doctor: What happened?

Man: Well I am no doctor but I think she choked.

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The Christmas church services were proceeding very successfully when a woman in the gallery got so interested that she leaned out too far and fell over the railing. Her dress caught in a chandelier, and she was suspended in mid-air. The minister noticed her undignified position and thundered at the congregation:

"Any person in this congregation who turns around will be struck stone-blind."

A man, whose curiosity was getting the better of him, but who dreaded the clergyman's warning, finally turned to his companion and said:

"I'm going to risk one eye."

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Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.

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Friday laughs

Obama jokes

Q: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.

Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A: It stands between him and the First.

Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama?
A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth.

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One's full of tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for prisoners.

Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obama backer?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: If Pelosi and Obama were in a boat and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!

Q: What do you call the US after four years of Obama and the Liberal congress?
A: An Obama-nation.

Q: What's the difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler wrote his own book.

Q: What's another difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler got the Olympics to come to his country.

Q: Why doesn't Obama pray?
A: It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed.

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Understanding TV News Acronyms

NBC: New Barack Channel
ABC: Another Barack Channel
MSNBC: My Seriously New Barack Channel
CBS: Continuous Barack Show
FOX: Flagrant Obama Xenophobes

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If excel were a car…

It would crash two or three times per day for no apparent reason. The driver is often hurt, but the car itself receives no permanent damage. You’d just accept this fact, restart the car, and begin your trip again.

Crash occasionally, your car would fail to restart after a crash, and you’d have to reinstall the engine.For some strange reason, you’d just accept this too.

You would be forced to buy a new model every 18 months, and your old model would have no resale value. Each new model would be bigger that the previous one, require more gas, and would operate differently. Furthermore, parts from the old car would not be interchangeable with the new car.

You could call a special phone number when you had a problem. The phone would be staffed by people who know less about your car than you do.

There would be a special Macintosh model, powered by the sun. However, it would only run on 5 percent of the roads and require different driving skills.

You would have to spend additional money to buy the operating manuals.

The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single warning light: “This car has performed an illegal operation.”

Before engaging, the airbag system would display a message, “Are you sure?”

Every time you looked under the hood, an obnoxious cartoon character would appear and ask if you need help. No matter how many time you refused help, it would keep appearing.

A special feature would let you automatically record the route for a particular trip, so you could repeat the trip automatically later on. However, after repeating the trip you always end up at a different location.

Friday laughs

Changing a bulb

How many academic librarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Just five. One changes the light bulb while the other four form a committee and write a letter of protest to the Dean, because after all, changing light bulbs IS NOT professional work!

How many reference librarians does it take to change a light-bulb?
(with a perky smile) "Well, I don't know right off-hand, but I know where we can look it up!"

How many book publishers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to hold down the author.

How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?
"Do we have to get author's approval for this?"
Two, one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb.

How many proofreaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Proofreaders aren't supposed to change light bulbs. They should just query them.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end.

How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to tell a long story about it.

How many literary critics does it take to change a light bulb?
Literary critics don't know how, but rest assured they'll find something wrong with the way you do it.

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Things you don’t want to hear at the tattoo parlor

* Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE.

* We’re all out of red, so I used pink.

* There are 2 Os in Bob, right?

* Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy.

* That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie.

* Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups.

* Anything else you want to say? You’ve got plenty of room back here.

* I’ll bet you can’t tell I’ve never done this before.

* The flag’s all done and you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect.

* Oops….

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Rejected Dictionary Entries

ADULT :
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR :
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL :
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS :
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE :
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST :
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST :
Someone me-deep in conversation

GOSSIPER :
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF :
Cold Storage.

INFLATION :
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO :
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN :
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET :
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON :
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE :
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW :
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN :
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES :
Something other people have. You have character lines.

Friday laughs

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man, Jack, started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

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A woman gives birth to a baby. Afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, “I have to tell you something about your baby.”

The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong???”

The doctor says, “Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”

The woman says, “A hermaphrodite… what’s that???”

The doctor says, “Well, it means your baby has the…er…features… of a male and a female.”

The woman turns pale. She says, “Oh my God! You mean it has a penis…AND a brain ???!!!”

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Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering.

The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head.

The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."

"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.

"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!" he insists.

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A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from K-City to Chicago. The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother couldn't think of an answer. So she told her child to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and posed his question.

The attendant smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"

"Yes, she did," replied the boy.

"Well, then," said the attendant, "you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time.

"Have your Mom explain that to you."

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A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling..

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi .

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

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A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants...

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, this is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

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Chang Man Yong works on a collective farm in North Korea. He goes fishing, gets lucky, and brings a fish home. Happy about his catch, he tells his wife: “Look what I’ve got. Shall we eat fried fish today?”

The wife says: “We’ve got no cooking oil!”

“Shall we stew it, then?”

“We’ve got no pot!”

“Shall we grill it?”

“We’ve got no firewood!”

Chang Man Yong gets angry, goes back to the river, and throws the fish back into the water. The fish, happy to have had such a narrow escape, sticks its head out of the water and cheerfully yells: “Long live General Kim Jong Il!”

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Interviewer: Just imagine you are in the third floor, it caught fire. How will you escape?

Man: It's very simple i will stop my imagination.

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Little Johnny was in his math’s class one day when the teacher singled him out.

“If I gave you $20,” the teacher began,” and you gave $5 to Mary, $5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?”

“An orgy,” Johnny answered.

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A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.

“Looking at your résumé, I can see that you’re more than qualified,” says the interviewer. “Unfortunately, we can’t have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can’t hire you.”

“But wait,” says the man. “If I take two aspirin, I stop winking.”

“Then show me,” replies the interviewer.

So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.

“It’s great you stopped winking,” says the interviewer, “but we can’t have our salesmen womanizing all over the country.”

“What do you mean?” asks the man. “I’m happily married.”

“How do you explain all the condoms?” asks the interviewer.

“Oh, that,” sighs the man. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”

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Friday laughs

Teenagers and cats common things

* Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

* No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

* You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

* Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor you teen will ever crack a smile.

* No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.

* Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

* Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

* Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom.

* Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.

* Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times.

And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

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10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

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Why Beer Is Better Than Religion

* No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

* Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex.

* Beer has never caused a major war.

* They don’t force Beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.

* When you have a Beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to give it away.

* Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.

* You don’t have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

* There are laws saying Beer labels can’t lie to you.

* You can prove you have a Beer.

* If you’ve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

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Friday laughs

The Difference Between You and Your Boss

1 When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

2 When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

3 When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

4 When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

5 When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

6 When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

7 When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

8 When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

9 When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

10 When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

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These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselect ion"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

"One neuron short of a synapse"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

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Military survival rule

“Aim towards the enemy.” – Instruction printed on U.S. Army rocket launcher

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” – U.S. Army training notice

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. From 30,000 feet, every single bomb always hits the ground.” – U.S. Air Force ammunition memo.

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” – Infantry Journal

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” – Army preventive maintenance publication

“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” – Infantry Journal

“Tracers work both ways.” – U.S. Army Ordnance Corps memo.

“Five-second fuses only last three seconds.” – Infantry Journal

“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.” – Col. David H. Hackworth

“If your attack is going too well, you’re probably walking into an ambush.” – Infantry Journal

“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.” – Joe Gay

“Any ship can be a minesweeper – once.” – Anonymous

“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” – Unknown Army recruit

“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.” – Your buddies

“If you see a bomb disposal technician running, try to keep up with him.” – U.S. Army ordnance manual

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed” – U.S. Air Force flight training manual

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Friday laughs

Car names explained

Audi
* Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW
* Big Money Works
* Bought My Wife
* Brutal Money Waster
* Bimbette Motor Weapon
* Break My Window

Buick
* Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

Chevrolet
* Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
* Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
* Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
* Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology

Dodge
* Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
* Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
* Dead or Dying Gas Eater
* Dear Old Dad’s Geriatric Express

Fiat
* Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
* Fix It All the Time
* Fix it again, Tony!

Ford
* First On Recall Day
* First On Race Day
* First On Rust and Deterioration
* Fix Or Repair Daily
* Found On Road, Dead
* Fault Of R&D
* Fast Only Rolling Downhill
* Features O.J. and Ron’s DNA
* Found On Russian Dump

GM
* General Maintenance
* Great Mistake

GMC
* Garage Man’s Companion
* Got A Mechanic Coming?

Honda
* Had One Never Did Again

Hyundai
* Hope You Understand Nothing’s Driveable And Inexpensive

Mazda
* Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

Oldsmobile
* Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere
* Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick’s Irregular Leftover Equipment

Pinto
* Put In New Transmission Often

Pontiac
* Poor Old Neanderthal Thinks It’s A Cadillac

Saab
* Send Another Automobile Back
* Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
* Sorry Arsed Auto Builders

Toyota
* Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

Volvo
* Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
* Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners

VW
* Virtually Worthless

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What Doctors Say… and what they’re really thinking

“This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

“Welllllll, what have we here…?”
He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.

“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.

“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time..or..I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.

“I have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.

“Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have 40% interest in the lab.

“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up.

“This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

“This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

“Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.

“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

“Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me…”

“There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.

“If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week!

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10 Reasons Why it Sucks to be a Vampire

10. When you wake up, your hair is always the same shape as the top of your coffin.

9. Early evening blood breath, that Listerine just won't get rid of.

8. Your dentist insists on filing down "those outsize canines".

7. The Goth crowd you hang out with doesn't think you're that cool after a couple of weeks......

6. You never get a chance to cash in at all-you-can-eat overnight buffets.

5. Your mortal S.O.'s get upset when all you want to do is neck.

4. You smell musty

3. You tend to embarrass yourself when you try to turn into a bat and you end up transforming into a Louisville Slugger.

2. You keep tripping over your cape.

1. Let's face it, you suck.

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Friday laughs

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and George said no
and explained the situation.

Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George:

“I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said,

“I thought you said there was nobody available!”

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An attractive young lady with raven-black hair and wide eyes approached the gates of Heaven. Looking her over, St. Peter said, “And may I ask, young lady, if you are a virgin?”

“I am,” was her demure reply.

Not wanting to appear distrustful but having to be cautious, St. Peter called over an angel to examine her. Several minutes later the angel returned.

“She’s a virgin,” the angel stated, “though I’m obliged to inform you that she *does* have seven small dents in her maidenhead.”

Thanking him, St. Peter took his place behind the ledger and faced the girl.

“Well, miss, we’re going to admit you. What is your name?”

She replied sweetly, “Snow White.”

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With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

And the mother says, "When the baby cries."

So they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "I forgot where I put it."

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A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to
the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near-fatal incident, can’t control his amazement. He says to the blind man,

“Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!”

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies,

“I am trying to find which end is his head so I can kick his butt.”

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80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention. The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?” A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, “What is 15 plus 15?” After 15 or 20 seconds she says, “Eighteen!”

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!” The leader says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance.” So he asks, “What is 5 plus 5?”

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, “Ninety?”

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh — everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, “GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, “Ok! Ok! Just one more chance — What is 2 plus 2?”

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, “Four?”

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream…

“GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”

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A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit and it was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on "science & nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is the vaccum on or off?"

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A blonde was showing her friend her two new puppies.

The girl askes, "What are their names?"

The blonde responded, This one is Rolex, and this one is Timex.

Confused, her friend said, "What kind of names are those?"

"Uh, der. They are watch dogs." answered the blonde.

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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic that it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

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Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?

A. Where you left it.

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Dorothy was very upset because her husband Albert had just passed away.

She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed, and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.

One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he’d see what he could do.

The next day, Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.

She asks the attendant, “How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?”

“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man who was about your husband’s size was brought in, and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset, as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit,” the attendant replied.

The woman smiled.

He continued: “After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around”.

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Friday laughs

Reasons a Vibrator is Better Than a Man

* A vibrators only function is to please you.

* They don’t watch televised sports when you want to talk.

* They don’t talk when you want to watch a movie on TV.

* You’ll never have to put your vibrator in your mouth.

* Vibrators never pick their nose in bed.

* Vibrators move.

* Vibrators find all the right spots.

* Vibrators don’t do household chores— but you don’t care.

* A vibrator never leaves you or flirts with your friends.

* Vibrators never make a mess.

* You never worry about where your vibrator has been before.

* A vibrator will never call out someone else’s name when it is with you.

* A vibrator will never ask you to bring it a beer.

* Even if your vibrator is working overtime, you know exactly where it is.

* A vibrator is easy to turn on and off.

* You can spend hours in a bar with your vibrator, and it will still be able to perform when you get it home.

* A vibrator doesn’t care how long it takes to satisfy you.

* Your mother will never ask what your vibrator does for a living.

* A vibrator won’t get pissed of when dinner isn’t cooked.

* Vibrators can’t get you pregnant, give you a disease, or make you watch auto racing.

* Vibrators take up very little room on the bed.

* Vibrators never bother you when you want to sleep.

* Vibrators never compare size with other vibrators.

* You’ll never have to share your vibrator with another woman.

* Your vibrator doesn’t mind if you forget to shave.

* Vibrators never fart in bed.

* A vibrator won’t turn off before you finish.

* It is ok to have more than one vibrator in bed with you at a time.

* If you have a headache or your period, you won’t find a vibrator turned on when you get into bed.

* Vibrators are ALWAYS hard.

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Big Tits vs. Little Tits

Women with Big Tits…

* can get a taxi on the worst days
* have men give them the best seats on a bus.
* have a neat place to carry spare change
* have always been the center of the arts (art)
* make jogging a spectator sport
* can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
* have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
* usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
* can always carry a little extra cash
* always float better
* know where to look first for lost earrings
* rarely lack for a slow dance partner
* have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
* never have to buy a car with airbags
* have a place to carry a extra beer

Women with Little Tits…

* don’t cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
* always look younger
* find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
* can always see their toes and shoes
* can sleep on their stomachs
* have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
* know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
* know that everything more than a handful is wasted
* can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
* can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out
* never be accused of having implants.

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Facts about men

Men are some funny creatures, which is why sometimes women have a hard time understanding them. But don’t worry… with these helpful facts, any woman can understand even the most complex behavioral quirks of men, because trust me… they most definitely exist!

1. Men like to barbecue… but what most women don’t understand is WHY? Men love to barbecue because there is an element of danger to it. This adds a subconscious level of excitement to the activity, making it more appealing to even the most peace loving and domesticated of guys.

2. Men have it easier when it comes to buying bathing suits because for them there are only two types… there are cool ones and nerdy ones. They do not feel fat all the time… they are just more worried about the style.

3. Men want to read the newspaper first in the morning because they want to be abreast on what is going on. If you know what is going on in the world before they do, they feel inadequate. So, don’t be offended when he snatches up the newspaper first thing… he is just trying to fulfill his role as a masculine being.

4. Men are sensitive in different ways. If a man tries to build a fire out in the woods and fails, he does not consider the fact that all of the wood is wet… and no, you cannot console him by offering to use the five gallons of gas in the back of the truck. He feels like a failure because his inability to start a fire, to him, says that he is not capable of being the “man in charge”. He feels as if he cannot be depended upon.

So, good luck getting to know your guy better.

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Friday laughs

Top ten reasons investing is like sex

1. Some like it long, some like it short.

2. You can study the market as much as you like, but it all comes down to luck.

3. Those who talk about it the most, have the least experience.

4. One simple mistake could lead to 18 unprofitable years.

5. Some prefer to sit back and watch it grow.

6. Terms include swing trading, asset turnover, naked call, after hours, insider trading, silent partner, blind entries, 30-day wash rule, straddle, triangles, descending tops, ascending bottoms, pump and dump, partial surrender, stop order, position limit, voluntary liquidation, and explicit interest.

7. Low confidence can keep you out of the market.

8. Everyone tends to focus on performance.

9. Some do it alone, others do it with a group, and some hire professionals, and the best reason …

10. Some positions are better than others and the best position is always up for debate!

And remember, past performance is not necessarily indicative of future results.

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Why some men have dogs and not wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog’s parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, ‘If I died, would you get another dog?’

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

14. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

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The internet is like a penis

It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what kind of person you’re dealing with until it’s too late.

If you don’t apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself “why on earth did I do that?”

Some folks have it, some don’t.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don’t have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s a nifty toy, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don’t have it would like to try it.

Once you’ve started playing with it, it’s hard to stop.

Some people would just play with it all day if they didn’t have work to do.

Friday laughs

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beach comber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,

"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.

“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room.

They open the door.

“Nice boobs,” says the man. “Where do you want these blinds?”

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A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.

"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender.

"It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her darned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -- but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a gun pissed out the window right onto my head!"

"Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!"

"Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"

"That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"

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Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”

Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.

“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.

“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.

“What if that had been vandalized?”

“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”

“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

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The kids in the neighborhood held an election. The grownups were astonished that a four-year-old had been elected president.

"That boy must be a born leader," one Dad observed. "How does it happen that all you bigger boys voted for him?"

"Well, you see Dad," one lad replied. "He cannot very well be secretary because he doesn't know how to write. He would not do for treasurer because he is not able to count. He would never do for sergeant- at-arms because he is too little to throw anybody out. If we did not choose him for anything, he would feel bad. So we made him president."

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What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

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A man and his wife are sitting in the living room watching a drama about a man who lost consciousness and went into a coma.

He says to her “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug.”

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

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A man has been shipwrecked on a deserted island for ten years. Then one day he is down at the shoreline when he spots a ship on the horizon. He frantically waves his arms and jumps up and down shouting, until he spies a rowboat being let down into the water from the ship. About ten minutes later the rowboat reaches the shore carrying a man in a captain's uniform.

"Thank Christ for that!" says our shipwrecked hero, "I thought I was never going to be rescued."

"How long have you been here?" asks the Captain.

"Ten years, ten long years" replies the man.

"Ten years?" says the Captain "How have you coped all that time on your own?"

"Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow, I've built my own house;there it is, over there, Number 1!"

"But ten years!" says the Captain, "ten years without sex!"

"Ahhhh, well..... that's not quite true" says the man shyly.

"What do you mean?" inquires the Captain.

"Well, about six months ago I was down here on the shore washing my feet, when I noticed an ostrich up the beach with it's head buried in the sand and it's ass facing me. Well, I thought it's been nine and a half years, so I crept up behind it and WALLOP!"

"Oh God, that must have been disgusting!" cries the genuinely shocked Captain.

"Well, it was alright for the first five miles, but then we got out of step."

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A certain island in the West Indies is liable to the periodical advent of earthquakes. One year before the season of these terrestrial disturbances, Mr. X., who lived in the danger zone, sent his two sons to the home of a brother in England, to secure them from the impending havoc.

Evidently the quiet of the staid English household was disturbed by the irruption of the two West Indians, for the returning mail steamer carried a message to Mr. X., brief but emphatic:

"Take back your boys; send me the earthquake."

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At a girl's college dormitory, dates were permitted only on Saturday night. One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately.

"I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother."

"Oh, she'll be surprised all right," said the woman.

"But think of how surprised I am! I'm her mother!"

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