22 septembrie 2009
Stirea si poza
Daca tot vrei sa pui o poza la o stire, ori pui una decenta si care sa ilustreze stirea, ori nu pui. Daca tot o dai cu 181km/h in stire, nu-mi pune o poza cu 110km/h la radar incercuit. Ce reprezinta 110km/h? Incercuieste 181 ala din stanga. Si mentioneaza in textul stirii ca radarul era intr-o masina in miscare.
21 septembrie 2009
Observatii si sfaturi utile pentru o vizita in Paris
1. Transportul de la aeroportul Charles de Gaulle pana in oras se poate realiza in 2 feluri: cu autobuzele Roissybus sau cu trenul. Mai e si varianta taxi dar ma limiteze doar la cele low-cost. Autobuzele speciale Roissybus sunt intens promovate. O cursa merge de la aeroport la opera si costa 9.1 euro. Dar d-acolo pentru orice alt mijloc de transport mai trebuie sa dati cel putin 1.6 euro. Mai exista si varianta mai putin promovata cu trenul regional (RER). Taie orasul de la nord la sud si opreste in majoritatea punctelor importante. Plus ca se pot schimba oricand liniile de metrou fara a mai plati ceva. Si o cursa cu RER de la aeroport costa 8.6 euro. Harta cu metroul se gaseste la orice ghiseu de vanzare a biletelor/abonamentelor si este gratis. Tot ce trebuie sa faceti e sa o cereti la ghiseu.
2. Daca planuiti sa calatoriti mult cu transportul in comun cel mai rentabil e un abonament pe saptamana. Acestea incep de luni dimineata si se termina duminica noaptea. Pot fi cumparate incepand cu miercurea precedenta saptamanii in curs. Acopera toate mijloacele de transport (RER, metrou, tramvai, autobuz si transport de noapte). Tarifele incep de la 17.2 euro si merg pana la 37.6 euro in functie de cate zone doriti. Mai costa 5 euro cardul propriu-zis. Dar dureaza 10 ani si poate fi reincarcat de la automate. Deci nu-l aruncati cand plecati. Va mai trebuie si o fotografie de 3x2.5cm pentru a o lipi pe card in momentul cumpararii. Parisul e impartit in 6 zone. Majoritatea atractiilor turistice sunt in zonele 1 si 2 deci un abonamet de 17.2 euro ar fi suficient. Atractiile importante din afara zonelor 1 si 2 ar fi:
- zona 3 - La Defence, Stade de France, Saint Denis
- zona 4 - aeroportul Orly, Versailles
- zona 5 - aeroportul Charles de Gaulle, Disneyland
- zona 6 - Fontainebleau
Abonamentele acestea nu sunt valabile si pe Roissybus si Orlybus, autobuzele ce leaga aeroporturile de oras. Acesta e inca un motiv in plus de a lua trenul spre oras. Plus ca dureaza mai putin. Autobuzul face 1h pana la opera. Trenul face 30-40 min pana fix in centru.
3. E foarte avantajos sa ai sub 24-25 ani (in functie de locatie) si sa fii din uniunea europeana. Ai gratuitate la intrarea in destul de multe obiective turistice. Doar prezentati buletinul la ghiseu si primit bilet de intrare gratuit. Plus ca la altele primiti reducere daca nu exista gratuitate. Si carnetul de student va ajuta in destul de multe locuri. Sunt reduceri la prezentarea lui. De aceea nu se renteaza si e chiar contraindicat sa va luati vreun abonament de reduceri la muzee. Tot ce va trebuie, daca aveti sub 24-25 ani si sunteti din uniunea europeana, este buletinul.
4. Din ce am experimentat eu prin mai multe locatii europene, cel mai bine si ieftin se mananca la turci/arabi si asiatici. Sunt portii mari, satioase, gust bun si ieftine. Intotdeauna mi-a placut ce am mancat de la ei. Si se gasesc la tot pasul. In Paris, la ordinea zilei sunt sandwichurile. Costa intre 3 si 6 euro si sunt suficiente pentru a potoli foamea. Dar nu pot spune ca si tin de foame.
5. Niciodata, niciodata nu vizitati obiectivele turistice cele mai importante ale Parisului in weekend. Veti avea multe ore de asteptat la cozi. Daca aveti mai multe zile la dispozitie, lasati pentru weekend obiectivele de plan secundar. Tour Eiffel, Notre Dame, Disneyland si altele de genul asta e foarte indicat sa le vedeti in timpul saptamanii.
2. Daca planuiti sa calatoriti mult cu transportul in comun cel mai rentabil e un abonament pe saptamana. Acestea incep de luni dimineata si se termina duminica noaptea. Pot fi cumparate incepand cu miercurea precedenta saptamanii in curs. Acopera toate mijloacele de transport (RER, metrou, tramvai, autobuz si transport de noapte). Tarifele incep de la 17.2 euro si merg pana la 37.6 euro in functie de cate zone doriti. Mai costa 5 euro cardul propriu-zis. Dar dureaza 10 ani si poate fi reincarcat de la automate. Deci nu-l aruncati cand plecati. Va mai trebuie si o fotografie de 3x2.5cm pentru a o lipi pe card in momentul cumpararii. Parisul e impartit in 6 zone. Majoritatea atractiilor turistice sunt in zonele 1 si 2 deci un abonamet de 17.2 euro ar fi suficient. Atractiile importante din afara zonelor 1 si 2 ar fi:
- zona 3 - La Defence, Stade de France, Saint Denis
- zona 4 - aeroportul Orly, Versailles
- zona 5 - aeroportul Charles de Gaulle, Disneyland
- zona 6 - Fontainebleau
Abonamentele acestea nu sunt valabile si pe Roissybus si Orlybus, autobuzele ce leaga aeroporturile de oras. Acesta e inca un motiv in plus de a lua trenul spre oras. Plus ca dureaza mai putin. Autobuzul face 1h pana la opera. Trenul face 30-40 min pana fix in centru.
3. E foarte avantajos sa ai sub 24-25 ani (in functie de locatie) si sa fii din uniunea europeana. Ai gratuitate la intrarea in destul de multe obiective turistice. Doar prezentati buletinul la ghiseu si primit bilet de intrare gratuit. Plus ca la altele primiti reducere daca nu exista gratuitate. Si carnetul de student va ajuta in destul de multe locuri. Sunt reduceri la prezentarea lui. De aceea nu se renteaza si e chiar contraindicat sa va luati vreun abonament de reduceri la muzee. Tot ce va trebuie, daca aveti sub 24-25 ani si sunteti din uniunea europeana, este buletinul.
4. Din ce am experimentat eu prin mai multe locatii europene, cel mai bine si ieftin se mananca la turci/arabi si asiatici. Sunt portii mari, satioase, gust bun si ieftine. Intotdeauna mi-a placut ce am mancat de la ei. Si se gasesc la tot pasul. In Paris, la ordinea zilei sunt sandwichurile. Costa intre 3 si 6 euro si sunt suficiente pentru a potoli foamea. Dar nu pot spune ca si tin de foame.
5. Niciodata, niciodata nu vizitati obiectivele turistice cele mai importante ale Parisului in weekend. Veti avea multe ore de asteptat la cozi. Daca aveti mai multe zile la dispozitie, lasati pentru weekend obiectivele de plan secundar. Tour Eiffel, Notre Dame, Disneyland si altele de genul asta e foarte indicat sa le vedeti in timpul saptamanii.
Monday morning
Ratusca de baie. E o jucarioara inofensiva si draguta. Unii s-au gandit sa-i ataseze un fir si un stecher. A devenit astfel o ratusca electrica de unica folosinta. Recomandata pentru sinucigasi.
via
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Cateodata chiar nu e bine sa dai un vant. Un exemplu ar fi in timpul operatiilor. Un danez a platit scump o astfel de eroare.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Un cantecel foarte dragut numit "wrong hole". Da, se refera la anumite parti ale corpului uman. NSFW
via
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Cum cercetatorii britanici s-au cam plictisit de studiile serioase; s-au apucat de lucruri mai triviale. Cum ar fi minciunile. Si au descoperit ca femeile mint de ingheata apele. Asta stiam. Dar surpriza e ca barbatii mint de doua ori mai mult ca femeile...
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Luni dimineata. Unul din cele mai neasteptate momente ale saptamanii. O noua saptamana intreaga de munca e inainte. Cantecul de mai jos exprima perfect starea de luni dimineata.
via
viaCateodata chiar nu e bine sa dai un vant. Un exemplu ar fi in timpul operatiilor. Un danez a platit scump o astfel de eroare.
Un cantecel foarte dragut numit "wrong hole". Da, se refera la anumite parti ale corpului uman. NSFW
via
Cum cercetatorii britanici s-au cam plictisit de studiile serioase; s-au apucat de lucruri mai triviale. Cum ar fi minciunile. Si au descoperit ca femeile mint de ingheata apele. Asta stiam. Dar surpriza e ca barbatii mint de doua ori mai mult ca femeile...
Luni dimineata. Unul din cele mai neasteptate momente ale saptamanii. O noua saptamana intreaga de munca e inainte. Cantecul de mai jos exprima perfect starea de luni dimineata.
via
19 septembrie 2009
Gaselnitele zilei
O cafenea din Westhoughton, Marea Britanie, ofera un mic dejun foarte generos la 10 lire (cam 16 dolari). Contine de toate si e mare. Oferta speciala e ca daca reusesti sa mananci totul in 20 de minute, fara bautura, il primesti gratis. Pare buna oferta. Cred ca ar prinde si la noi asa ceva desi la cat sunt unii romani de fomisti s-ar putea ca afacerea sa mearga in mare pierdere.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
O forma diferita de arta contemporana: arta cu artificii. Omul din spatele spectacolului pirotehnic din deschiderea jocurilor olimpice de la Beijing din 2008, Cai Guo-Qiang, ne dezvaluie cateva din secretele sale si ne arata cum se face arta din praf de pusca.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Vreti sa stiti in orice moment cati oameni sunt in spatiu la orice moment de timp? Iata si pagina de web dedicata acestui lucru. Acum avem 6, toti pe statia spatiala internationala.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Omul cand moare are 2 optiuni: cimintir sau crematoriu. De la crematoriu sunt iarasi 2 cai: urna sau imprastiatul cenusii in locuri apropiate raposatului. Acum a aparut si a treia: creioane. Da, creioane. Iata setul de 240 creioane facute din cenusa rezultata in urma arderii resturilor umane. Fiecare creion este stantat cu numele raposatului din a carui cenusa este realizat. Si asa realizam circuitul normal al naturii, "nimic nu dispare, totul se transforma".
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Cele mai bune locuri din lume in care puteti manaca anumite specialitati. Crema cremelor in materie de un anumit preparat. Nu e greu de ghicit ca multe sunt in Paris.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Cum cubul Rubik normal, cu 6 fete, nu era suficient, a aparut cel cu 12 fete. Sa te tot lupti cu el ore-ntregi. Partea buna e ca dupa chinuri nesfarsite si incercari exasperante si esuate de a rezolva ceva exista o solutie salvatoare. Se poate dezmembra si aranja manual la loc in pozitia corecta. E doar 50$. Un mizilic.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Un om nevinovat e tinut dupa gratii chiar daca 2 teste ADN i-au dovedit nevinovatia. Doar in America se poate asa ceva. Cu toate aceste dovezi i s-a refuzat un nou proces. In cadrul articolului este si un filmulet de vreo 12 minute. Merita urmarit pentru a vedea cum gandesc si incearca sa se disculpe cei ce fac legea in America. E fascinant cu cata lejeritate si cu zambetul pe buze poate respinge un procuror toate noile dovezi de care depinde viata sau libertatea unui om (pe la minutul 3:10-3:20). Si schimbul de replici de la final intre producatoarea documentarului si o prestigioasa judecatoare e fabulos.
O forma diferita de arta contemporana: arta cu artificii. Omul din spatele spectacolului pirotehnic din deschiderea jocurilor olimpice de la Beijing din 2008, Cai Guo-Qiang, ne dezvaluie cateva din secretele sale si ne arata cum se face arta din praf de pusca.
Vreti sa stiti in orice moment cati oameni sunt in spatiu la orice moment de timp? Iata si pagina de web dedicata acestui lucru. Acum avem 6, toti pe statia spatiala internationala.
Omul cand moare are 2 optiuni: cimintir sau crematoriu. De la crematoriu sunt iarasi 2 cai: urna sau imprastiatul cenusii in locuri apropiate raposatului. Acum a aparut si a treia: creioane. Da, creioane. Iata setul de 240 creioane facute din cenusa rezultata in urma arderii resturilor umane. Fiecare creion este stantat cu numele raposatului din a carui cenusa este realizat. Si asa realizam circuitul normal al naturii, "nimic nu dispare, totul se transforma".
Cele mai bune locuri din lume in care puteti manaca anumite specialitati. Crema cremelor in materie de un anumit preparat. Nu e greu de ghicit ca multe sunt in Paris.
Cum cubul Rubik normal, cu 6 fete, nu era suficient, a aparut cel cu 12 fete. Sa te tot lupti cu el ore-ntregi. Partea buna e ca dupa chinuri nesfarsite si incercari exasperante si esuate de a rezolva ceva exista o solutie salvatoare. Se poate dezmembra si aranja manual la loc in pozitia corecta. E doar 50$. Un mizilic.
Un om nevinovat e tinut dupa gratii chiar daca 2 teste ADN i-au dovedit nevinovatia. Doar in America se poate asa ceva. Cu toate aceste dovezi i s-a refuzat un nou proces. In cadrul articolului este si un filmulet de vreo 12 minute. Merita urmarit pentru a vedea cum gandesc si incearca sa se disculpe cei ce fac legea in America. E fascinant cu cata lejeritate si cu zambetul pe buze poate respinge un procuror toate noile dovezi de care depinde viata sau libertatea unui om (pe la minutul 3:10-3:20). Si schimbul de replici de la final intre producatoarea documentarului si o prestigioasa judecatoare e fabulos.
18 septembrie 2009
Friday laughs
Five Questions Most Feared by Men
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, Dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
•Baseball.
•Football.
•How fat you are.
•How much prettier she is than you.
•How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, Dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
•Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
•Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
•That depends on what you mean by love.
•Does it matter?
•Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
•Compared to what?
•I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
•A little extra weight looks good on you.
•I've seen fatter.
•Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
•Yes, but you have a better personality
•Not prettier, but definitely thinner
•Not as pretty as you when you were her age
•Define pretty
•Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not, don't you like being married ?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Shit!
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Men Are Just Naturally Happier
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Love vs marriage
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
TV has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
History according to sixth graders
The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test. Watch the spelling!
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
9. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen,” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
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From students' report cards
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
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Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the Proposition that they were nearly identical stories. His professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and Subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and Subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Monica.
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
via via via
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, Dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
•Baseball.
•Football.
•How fat you are.
•How much prettier she is than you.
•How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, Dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
•Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
•Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
•That depends on what you mean by love.
•Does it matter?
•Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
•Compared to what?
•I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
•A little extra weight looks good on you.
•I've seen fatter.
•Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
•Yes, but you have a better personality
•Not prettier, but definitely thinner
•Not as pretty as you when you were her age
•Define pretty
•Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not, don't you like being married ?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Shit!
Men Are Just Naturally Happier
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Love vs marriage
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
TV has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"
History according to sixth graders
The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test. Watch the spelling!
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
9. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen,” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
From students' report cards
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the Proposition that they were nearly identical stories. His professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and Subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and Subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Monica.
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.
via via via
16 septembrie 2009
O zi pe Transalpina
De mult imi doream sa ajung pe Transalpina. E drumul ce taie Parangul, incepand de la Novaci si terminandu-se la Sebes. Vreo 140km. Oficial este clasificat ca drum national, DN67C mai exact. Practic e un drum lasat in voia naturii si nerefacut de pe vremea primului razboi mondial cand nemtii l-au consolidat din ratiuni militare. Este drumul ce ajunge la cea mai mare altitudine, 2145m in pasul Urdele. Partea cea mai frumoasa si grea a traseului este intre Ranca si Obarsia Lotrului, adica vreo 30 si ceva de km. La partea aceasta ma voi referi si eu in continuare.
Citisem tot felul de legende despre drum. Cati oameni atatea pareri. Pe majoritatea forumurilor generaliste se gaseste si cate-un topic cu Transalpina. Rezumand cam tot ce citisem stiam ca trebuie sa ma astept la un drum greu, sa nu ma mire vreun cauciuc spart sau vreo tabla indoita si in niciun caz sa nu ma bag la drum pe ploaie.
Cum vremea se anunta buna vreo cateva zile, am decis sa merg pana la Ranca, sa gasesc ceva cazare p-acolo sa trec mai apoi muntele si sa campez la Obarsie.
Drumul pana la Ranca e bun. Chiar din ce in ce mai bun pe masura apropierii de Ranca. Si asta deoarece Transalpina e in plina reparatie. Se reface toata (latire + asfaltare). In Ranca se lucra din plin la punerea covorului asfaltic. Muncitorii chiar aveau spor si lucrarile miscau intr-un ritm normal dar prea alert pentru un ritm "obisnuit" din Romania. Cred ca in cateva zile au asfaltat toata Ranca.
Am prins o zi superba pentru traversare. Soare si niciun nor pe cer. Oficial drumul este inchis pentru efectuarea lucrarilor. Neoficial se trece dar in functie de progresul lucrarilor. Adica poti avea nenorocul de a prinde o impuscare a unui versant si trebuie asteptat vreo 1-2 ore pentru ca baietii sa curete soseaua.
Pana spre pasul Urdele, drumul e deja latit si asteapta doar o mica indreptare si covor asfaltic. Chiar in pas se lucreaza la latire. Baietii misca mult mai rapid la aproape 2200m decat pe plat, la campie, la construirea unei autostrazi. Si asta deoarece lucrarea a fost concesionata unei firme care dupa ce va reface soseaua va pune taxa pentru intrarea pe ea. Ceea ce mi se pare perfect normal. Daca mi se creeaza conditii decente, sunt dispus sa platesc pentru a ma simti bine. Si pe Transfagarana ar trebui introdusa o astfel de taxa. Asa am mai scapa de grataragii si trantorii care se inghesuie sa dea o tura pana sus, sa manance o ciorba si sa plece. Un 10-20 lei pe trecere si ar fi suficient sa mai cearna pleava.
Drumul pa la Obarsie e decent. Cu un mers incet si atent am reusit sa ating doar de vreo 4-5 ori cu scutul/pragul de pietre cu un Logan. Am vazut si un Opel Astra nou trecand si chiar un Matiz aprope de varf. Peisajul e superb. senzatia de a te afla pe un acoperis si panorama oferita sunt de nepretuit.
Lejer, cu opriri peste opriri si pozat am facut aproape 4 ore. Doar mergand se poate face fara probleme in 2 ore dar e pacat sa nu va opriti pentru admirarea peisajului si o gura de oxigen.
Dar frumusetile de mai sus nu au loc in promovarile doamnei Udrea cu Land of Choice. Las' sa promoveze Mamaia si Valea Prahovei, culmile snobismului romanesc si cam singurele destinatii cat de cat accesibile din Bucuresti. Sa ramana Transalpina un drum doar pentru cei ce apreciaza cu adevarat natura.
Citisem tot felul de legende despre drum. Cati oameni atatea pareri. Pe majoritatea forumurilor generaliste se gaseste si cate-un topic cu Transalpina. Rezumand cam tot ce citisem stiam ca trebuie sa ma astept la un drum greu, sa nu ma mire vreun cauciuc spart sau vreo tabla indoita si in niciun caz sa nu ma bag la drum pe ploaie.
Cum vremea se anunta buna vreo cateva zile, am decis sa merg pana la Ranca, sa gasesc ceva cazare p-acolo sa trec mai apoi muntele si sa campez la Obarsie.
Drumul pana la Ranca e bun. Chiar din ce in ce mai bun pe masura apropierii de Ranca. Si asta deoarece Transalpina e in plina reparatie. Se reface toata (latire + asfaltare). In Ranca se lucra din plin la punerea covorului asfaltic. Muncitorii chiar aveau spor si lucrarile miscau intr-un ritm normal dar prea alert pentru un ritm "obisnuit" din Romania. Cred ca in cateva zile au asfaltat toata Ranca.
Am prins o zi superba pentru traversare. Soare si niciun nor pe cer. Oficial drumul este inchis pentru efectuarea lucrarilor. Neoficial se trece dar in functie de progresul lucrarilor. Adica poti avea nenorocul de a prinde o impuscare a unui versant si trebuie asteptat vreo 1-2 ore pentru ca baietii sa curete soseaua.
Pana spre pasul Urdele, drumul e deja latit si asteapta doar o mica indreptare si covor asfaltic. Chiar in pas se lucreaza la latire. Baietii misca mult mai rapid la aproape 2200m decat pe plat, la campie, la construirea unei autostrazi. Si asta deoarece lucrarea a fost concesionata unei firme care dupa ce va reface soseaua va pune taxa pentru intrarea pe ea. Ceea ce mi se pare perfect normal. Daca mi se creeaza conditii decente, sunt dispus sa platesc pentru a ma simti bine. Si pe Transfagarana ar trebui introdusa o astfel de taxa. Asa am mai scapa de grataragii si trantorii care se inghesuie sa dea o tura pana sus, sa manance o ciorba si sa plece. Un 10-20 lei pe trecere si ar fi suficient sa mai cearna pleava.
Drumul pa la Obarsie e decent. Cu un mers incet si atent am reusit sa ating doar de vreo 4-5 ori cu scutul/pragul de pietre cu un Logan. Am vazut si un Opel Astra nou trecand si chiar un Matiz aprope de varf. Peisajul e superb. senzatia de a te afla pe un acoperis si panorama oferita sunt de nepretuit.
Lejer, cu opriri peste opriri si pozat am facut aproape 4 ore. Doar mergand se poate face fara probleme in 2 ore dar e pacat sa nu va opriti pentru admirarea peisajului si o gura de oxigen.
Dar frumusetile de mai sus nu au loc in promovarile doamnei Udrea cu Land of Choice. Las' sa promoveze Mamaia si Valea Prahovei, culmile snobismului romanesc si cam singurele destinatii cat de cat accesibile din Bucuresti. Sa ramana Transalpina un drum doar pentru cei ce apreciaza cu adevarat natura.
4 septembrie 2009
Friday laughs
As US tourists in a Middle Eastern country, a man and his wife were sitting outside a souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. "America," the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States." "Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked.
"Is he your husband?" "Yes." she replied. Turning to the husband, he offered. . . . . "I'll give you 100 camels for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale."
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings: I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”, he said.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa..’ ‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’
A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (’la computadora’), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your money on accessories for it.
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (’el computador’), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that had you waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.
The women won.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
A blonde's cooking diary:
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn while the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says:
"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies.
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true.. but you have all the equipment ..."
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first."
Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court."
The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Benjamin."
Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Benjamin. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m ... f-a-r-n ... f-n..."
The teacher says, "Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo."
Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five odds Benjamin ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband:
“When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”
“All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”, the husband replied.
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”
“It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.
"We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."
"Very clever!" remarks the other patron.
Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those darn blind kids from the bus?"
"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being referred to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?"
"Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the heck out of my best milk cow!"
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, 'I brought ten apples.' The king then explained the trial to him. 'You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten up.'
Two apples went in?.. But on the third one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3... 4...5...6. ..7...8.. . and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, 'Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?'
The second one replied, 'I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.'
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
A search and rescue team had been assembled and sent on a mission to find an airplane that had crashed on top of a mountain. It was their duty to rescue any survivors. After finally reaching the top of the mountain, they came upon the crash site.
At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of other bones, he noticed the rescue team.
"Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten all of his comrades.
The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man... your plane only went down yesterday!"
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
via via via via via
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States." "Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked.
"Is he your husband?" "Yes." she replied. Turning to the husband, he offered. . . . . "I'll give you 100 camels for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale."
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."
A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings: I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”, he said.
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa..’ ‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’
A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (’la computadora’), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your money on accessories for it.
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (’el computador’), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that had you waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.
The women won.
A blonde's cooking diary:
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn while the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says:
"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies.
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true.. but you have all the equipment ..."
The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first."
Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court."
The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Benjamin."
Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Benjamin. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m ... f-a-r-n ... f-n..."
The teacher says, "Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo."
Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five odds Benjamin ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband:
“When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”
“All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”, the husband replied.
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”
“It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”
A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.
"We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."
"Very clever!" remarks the other patron.
Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those darn blind kids from the bus?"
"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being referred to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?"
"Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the heck out of my best milk cow!"
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, 'I brought ten apples.' The king then explained the trial to him. 'You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten up.'
Two apples went in?.. But on the third one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3... 4...5...6. ..7...8.. . and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, 'Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?'
The second one replied, 'I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.'
A search and rescue team had been assembled and sent on a mission to find an airplane that had crashed on top of a mountain. It was their duty to rescue any survivors. After finally reaching the top of the mountain, they came upon the crash site.
At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of other bones, he noticed the rescue team.
"Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten all of his comrades.
The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man... your plane only went down yesterday!"
via via via via via
2 septembrie 2009
Recenzia zilei de ieri
Numere de inmatriculare cu personalitate. Pentru unii numarul trebuie sa insemne ceva, trebuie sa iasa in evidenta, sa fie miezul din dodoasca. Si nu apare niciun B-69-SEX. Cel mai apropiat de noi e un numar maghiar.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Oamenii de la Durex au imaginatie cand vine vorba de reclame. Iata o colectie a celor mai bune reclame-poster ale lor.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Sunt la moda acum diagramele functionale, flowchart-urile dupa cum sunt cunoscute mai bine. Orice este transpuns intr-un flowchart. De la incheiatul pantalonilor pana la evaluarea starilor psihologice personale. Astfel ca nu putea sa lipseasca ceva legat de calculatoare. A aparut astfel manualul pentru repararea unui calculator prin intermediul acestui tip de diagrame. Se gaseste si pe Amazon cu $14.95.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Oamenii de stiinta nu se ocupa doar cu dezvoltarea unor noi tehnologii de comunicare sau descoperirea unor remedii pentru cancer. Unii dintre ei pierd timpul si cu studii total neinteresante sau cel putin nerelevante pentru nimeni. Stiati ca dansatoarele la bara aflate la menstruatie castiga mai putin ca celelalte? Va interesa o asemnea chestie? Acum ca stiti, va influenteaza aceasta informatie cu ceva? Foarte probabil, nu. Dar unii sunt platiti si pierd timpul cu astfel de studii.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Unul din cele mai bune solouri la chitara pe care le-am vazut. Toata lumea a ramas masca. Tipul chiar are talent si ii preavad un mare viitor. Doar sa se tina de treaba. :)
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Greu cu engleza la nivel inalt. Un episod petrecut la ambasada Japoniei din SUA demonstreaza acest lucru. Ar fi prea tare sa fie adevarat.
Oamenii de la Durex au imaginatie cand vine vorba de reclame. Iata o colectie a celor mai bune reclame-poster ale lor.
Sunt la moda acum diagramele functionale, flowchart-urile dupa cum sunt cunoscute mai bine. Orice este transpuns intr-un flowchart. De la incheiatul pantalonilor pana la evaluarea starilor psihologice personale. Astfel ca nu putea sa lipseasca ceva legat de calculatoare. A aparut astfel manualul pentru repararea unui calculator prin intermediul acestui tip de diagrame. Se gaseste si pe Amazon cu $14.95.
Oamenii de stiinta nu se ocupa doar cu dezvoltarea unor noi tehnologii de comunicare sau descoperirea unor remedii pentru cancer. Unii dintre ei pierd timpul si cu studii total neinteresante sau cel putin nerelevante pentru nimeni. Stiati ca dansatoarele la bara aflate la menstruatie castiga mai putin ca celelalte? Va interesa o asemnea chestie? Acum ca stiti, va influenteaza aceasta informatie cu ceva? Foarte probabil, nu. Dar unii sunt platiti si pierd timpul cu astfel de studii.
Unul din cele mai bune solouri la chitara pe care le-am vazut. Toata lumea a ramas masca. Tipul chiar are talent si ii preavad un mare viitor. Doar sa se tina de treaba. :)
Greu cu engleza la nivel inalt. Un episod petrecut la ambasada Japoniei din SUA demonstreaza acest lucru. Ar fi prea tare sa fie adevarat.
1 septembrie 2009
Descoperirile zilei de ieri
Datorita delicious am gasit doua utilitati folositoare:
- prima ar fi o aplicatie freeware pentru defragmentarea hardului Auslogics Disk Defrag.
- a doua e o metoda simpla si rapida prin care se optimizeaza resursele folosite de Firefox
Daca intalniti o eroare gen an illegal character, schimbati ghilimelele de la VACUUM din cele rotunde in cele tip typo.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
O tehnica inteligenta de a citi mai rapid descrisa de catre Kris Madden. Pare simpluta si destul de eficienta. In mare, consta in repetarea continua a succesiunii de vocale "AEIOU" in timpul citirii.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Eric Giller coordoneaza programul WiTricity care se ocupa de dezvoltarea unei solutii de transfer wireless a energiei electrice. Iata o demonstratie practica a evolutiei tehnologice la care a ajuns grupul sau de oameni de stiinta. Estimarea mea este ca in maxim 10 ani va aparea si la nivel comercial o metoda de transfer wireless a energiei electrice. Poate chiar aceasta.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Aruncatul banului si ghicirea fetei pe care acesta va cadea pare o treaba simpla cu o proportie teoretica de 50% de a nimeri fata corecta. Dar dupa cum spune si regula de 50-50-90, daca ai o sansa de 50% de a duce un lucru la bun sfarsit, exista 90% sanse ca ceva sa nu mearga. Aici vorbim doar de niste probabilitati disproportionate cu 2-4 procente. Iata si matematica din spatele acestor afirmatii.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
O noua parodie cu Hitler, bazata pe secvente din filmul Der Untergang (2004), circula pe internet. De data aceasta subiectul este prabusirea pietei imobiliare. Hitler este un investitor care si-a luat teapa. (via)
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Exista acele momente in care am da orice sa avem o camera de luat vederi sau un aparat foto pentru a imortaliza un anume moment. Unii au fost norocosi si au reusit sa surprinda exact momentul potrivit.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Pe buda e locul ideal al unora de citit. Problema mai apare cand graba e atat de mare incat nu mai apuci sa mai iei ceva de citit pe drum si te-ai cam saturat sa tot citesti etichetele tuturor produselor din baie. Iata o noua metoda de a pierde vremea pe buda: origami. Imprimat direct pe sulul de hartie.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Pentru cei care se pricep la Photoshop, am gasit o resursa cu 30 de tutoriale pentru a imprima texturi retro si vintage. Parca m-as apuca si eu sa invat ceva Photoshop vazand cate minunatii poate face.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
A da un vant intr-un loc public sau intr-un mediu inchis e un eveniment total nedorit de catre oricine. Dar este totusi o necesitate fiziologica. Stiati ca in medie un om da cam 14 vanturi pe zi? Iata si multe alte lucururi pe care in mod sigur nu le stiati despre un simplu vant.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Oamenii colectioneaza obiecte conform meseriei lor. Fotbalistii schimba tricouri cu adversarii, vanatorii se mandresc cu trofeele lor, sportivii de performanta cu medaliile si tot asa. Un dentist ce poate strange? Dinti, bineinteles. Iata colectia unui doctor chinez. (via)
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Ca tot se vorbeste peste tot ca twitter e o adunatura de mesaje despre nimic, ca pe bloguri nu prea mai apare nimic interesant, ca originalitatea e in scadere pe net, iata si un blog despre nimic, un blog despre toate lucrurile banale si plictisitoare. In modul sau, e original si chiar are trafic si comentatori. (via)
- prima ar fi o aplicatie freeware pentru defragmentarea hardului Auslogics Disk Defrag.
Auslogics Disk Defrag is a simple disk defragmentation program. You can defragment multiple disks or select individual files or folders for defragmentation. Auslogics allows you to set the priority of the application and can tell your computer to shut itself down when the defragmentation process is complete—a handy feature when you want it to scan and defragment while you're sleeping but don't want to leave your computer idling all night. Auslogics Disk Defrag is a free and portable application.
- a doua e o metoda simpla si rapida prin care se optimizeaza resursele folosite de Firefox
1. Open the Error Console: Tools menu/Error Console
2. In the Code text box paste this (it’s a single line): Components.classes["@mozilla.org/browser/nav-history-service;1"].getService(Components.interfaces.nsPIPlacesDatabase).DBConnection.executeSimpleSQL("VACUUM");
3. Press Evaluate. All the UI will freeze for a few seconds while databases are VACUUMed
Daca intalniti o eroare gen an illegal character, schimbati ghilimelele de la VACUUM din cele rotunde in cele tip typo.
O tehnica inteligenta de a citi mai rapid descrisa de catre Kris Madden. Pare simpluta si destul de eficienta. In mare, consta in repetarea continua a succesiunii de vocale "AEIOU" in timpul citirii.
Eric Giller coordoneaza programul WiTricity care se ocupa de dezvoltarea unei solutii de transfer wireless a energiei electrice. Iata o demonstratie practica a evolutiei tehnologice la care a ajuns grupul sau de oameni de stiinta. Estimarea mea este ca in maxim 10 ani va aparea si la nivel comercial o metoda de transfer wireless a energiei electrice. Poate chiar aceasta.
Aruncatul banului si ghicirea fetei pe care acesta va cadea pare o treaba simpla cu o proportie teoretica de 50% de a nimeri fata corecta. Dar dupa cum spune si regula de 50-50-90, daca ai o sansa de 50% de a duce un lucru la bun sfarsit, exista 90% sanse ca ceva sa nu mearga. Aici vorbim doar de niste probabilitati disproportionate cu 2-4 procente. Iata si matematica din spatele acestor afirmatii.
O noua parodie cu Hitler, bazata pe secvente din filmul Der Untergang (2004), circula pe internet. De data aceasta subiectul este prabusirea pietei imobiliare. Hitler este un investitor care si-a luat teapa. (via)
Exista acele momente in care am da orice sa avem o camera de luat vederi sau un aparat foto pentru a imortaliza un anume moment. Unii au fost norocosi si au reusit sa surprinda exact momentul potrivit.
Pe buda e locul ideal al unora de citit. Problema mai apare cand graba e atat de mare incat nu mai apuci sa mai iei ceva de citit pe drum si te-ai cam saturat sa tot citesti etichetele tuturor produselor din baie. Iata o noua metoda de a pierde vremea pe buda: origami. Imprimat direct pe sulul de hartie.
Pentru cei care se pricep la Photoshop, am gasit o resursa cu 30 de tutoriale pentru a imprima texturi retro si vintage. Parca m-as apuca si eu sa invat ceva Photoshop vazand cate minunatii poate face.
A da un vant intr-un loc public sau intr-un mediu inchis e un eveniment total nedorit de catre oricine. Dar este totusi o necesitate fiziologica. Stiati ca in medie un om da cam 14 vanturi pe zi? Iata si multe alte lucururi pe care in mod sigur nu le stiati despre un simplu vant.
Oamenii colectioneaza obiecte conform meseriei lor. Fotbalistii schimba tricouri cu adversarii, vanatorii se mandresc cu trofeele lor, sportivii de performanta cu medaliile si tot asa. Un dentist ce poate strange? Dinti, bineinteles. Iata colectia unui doctor chinez. (via)
Ca tot se vorbeste peste tot ca twitter e o adunatura de mesaje despre nimic, ca pe bloguri nu prea mai apare nimic interesant, ca originalitatea e in scadere pe net, iata si un blog despre nimic, un blog despre toate lucrurile banale si plictisitoare. In modul sau, e original si chiar are trafic si comentatori. (via)
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