The three guys look bewildered and the man resumes drinking at the bar. Ten minutes later he comes back and screams, "Your mom’s sucked my cock!"
Ten more minutes and the same thing happens. He announces loudly, "I’ve had your mom up the ass!"
The young guys have had enough of this, and the one in the middle stands up and shouts, "Dad, you’re fuck’n drunk, go home!"
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He asks, "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He goes, "Oooh. Uh. Er. I didn't know. I uh..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it.
The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog."
The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker.
The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, "Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot."
The new school librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a 'Contract' for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a third grader who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought three books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.
The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.
Before the librarian could even start her speech, he said scornfully, "The other librarian we had knew how to write."
Early Saturday morning a policeman waited across the street from a popular bar, hoping for a nail a drunken driver, possibly preventing a tragic accident.
At closing time the patrons came out and the officer spotted his potential quarry. One man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.
After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.
Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.
The patrolman was dumbfounded. “This equipment must be broken!” he exclaimed.
“I doubt it,” said the man, “Tonight I am the designated decoy!”
Sex is like a gas station.
Sometimes you get full service.
Sometimes you have to ask for service.
Sometimes you have to be happy with self-service.
The teacher asked if anyone in class could use the word incompletely in a sentence?
Johnny stood up and said "When my balls touch my girlfriends asshole, I know I'm in-completely"
Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other.
The first mouse says, “You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat ‘em like candy.”
The second mouse, not to be outdone says, “Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it.”
The third mouse says, “You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I’d love to keep hangin’ out with you, but I gotta go fuck the cat.”
The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car.
"Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood.
"Shertainly! " said the drunk, "and if you'll just open the door f'me, I can prove it to ya."
The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to.
"Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee the bed there? Thast mine! Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. An' see that guy lying next to her?
"Yeah?" the cop replied suspiciously. Beginning at this point to seriously doubt the man's story.
"Well, thash me!"
At the height of a business corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked Zardari the witness.
"Isn't it true," bellowed the lawyer, "that you accepted Fifty million Rupees to compromise this case?"
Zardari stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted Fifty million Rupees to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
Zardari still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Zardari , please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled Zardari said, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, I thought he was talking to you."
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