Friday laughs

An elderly couple walked hand in hand slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 70 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then people noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating, his wife helped to wipe his face neatly with a napkin.

The onlooking young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered...

"The teeth."

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Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross.

Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

A priest watches & then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the star of David and says: "Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business!"

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A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a tablet big enough to choke a horse.

“I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the tablet down his throat and guzzles water until he finally gets it swallowed. Then he hobbles back into the examining room.

Eventually, the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. “Okay,” he says. “After the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes.”

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Sitting together on a train was Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:
Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks:
I can’t wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.

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When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle, was devastated.

A couple of months later, Myrtle also died.

Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe.

Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him. She ran towards him, calling his name: "Joe! Darling... "

Joe said: "Hold your horses, woman, and don't 'darling' me! The deal was very clear!! "Until death do us part!"

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An American tourist pulls over the Hertz car in the middle of nowhere for a pee. Suddenly a bloke jumps out from behind a tree, pointing a shotgun at him. “Pull yourself off”, he orders.

“What?”

“Masturbate. Right now!”

Nervously, the tourist obliges.

“Now, do it again”.

“I can’t do it again”

“DO it again!”

So the tourist masturbates for a second time.

“Okay, once more”

“I couldn’t do it once more, no matter what. You may as well shoot me.”

“No, that’s fine. Now you can give my sister a lift to the next town.”

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After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: “When you are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

The first guy immediately responds, “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made
a huge difference in the children of tomorrow.”

The last guy thinks a minute and replies,

“I guess I’d like to hear them say, ‘Look, he’s moving!”

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The judge looked up at the man and asked ,

“Have you ever been up before me ? ”

” I don’t know “, said the man . “What time do you get up ? “

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Q. What is the definition of “making love”?

A. Something a woman does while a man is fucking her.

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A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom.” As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left, and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in my congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”

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Friday laughs

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky.

The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The man says,"Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"

The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says,

"Secret Service!"

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It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you being charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early sir," replied the defendant.

"Well, that's not a crime," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," answered the prisoner.

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"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."

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Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash, and the average male thief won’t be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

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Boy: I have a dick, and you dont!

Girl: My mother said, when I grow up, I can have as many as I want.

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A woman called a local hospital.

"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I’d like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said,
"What is the patient’s name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

I’ll connect you with the nursing station."

"3rd floor Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I’d like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that’s fantastic .. that’s wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I’m Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me a thing."

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A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“HELLLOOOOOOO.....” answered the blond. “They’re watch dogs!”

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A guy's wife is in a comma and he gets a call from the doctor

Doctor: I have something a little weird to ask you

Man: Ok

Doctor: Well when the nurse was washing your wife her hart rate jumped everytime she went over her vagina so I was thinking if you came in and had oral sex with your wife it might bring her out of the comma I know its a crazy request but I think its worth a shot.

Man: Ok doc I am willing to try anything

The man gets to the hospital goes into his wifes room 5 minutes later she flatlines doctor rushes in.

Doctor: What happened?

Man: Well I am no doctor but I think she choked.

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The Christmas church services were proceeding very successfully when a woman in the gallery got so interested that she leaned out too far and fell over the railing. Her dress caught in a chandelier, and she was suspended in mid-air. The minister noticed her undignified position and thundered at the congregation:

"Any person in this congregation who turns around will be struck stone-blind."

A man, whose curiosity was getting the better of him, but who dreaded the clergyman's warning, finally turned to his companion and said:

"I'm going to risk one eye."

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Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.

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Friday laughs

Obama jokes

Q: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.

Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A: It stands between him and the First.

Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama?
A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth.

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One's full of tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for prisoners.

Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obama backer?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: If Pelosi and Obama were in a boat and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!

Q: What do you call the US after four years of Obama and the Liberal congress?
A: An Obama-nation.

Q: What's the difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler wrote his own book.

Q: What's another difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler got the Olympics to come to his country.

Q: Why doesn't Obama pray?
A: It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed.

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Understanding TV News Acronyms

NBC: New Barack Channel
ABC: Another Barack Channel
MSNBC: My Seriously New Barack Channel
CBS: Continuous Barack Show
FOX: Flagrant Obama Xenophobes

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If excel were a car…

It would crash two or three times per day for no apparent reason. The driver is often hurt, but the car itself receives no permanent damage. You’d just accept this fact, restart the car, and begin your trip again.

Crash occasionally, your car would fail to restart after a crash, and you’d have to reinstall the engine.For some strange reason, you’d just accept this too.

You would be forced to buy a new model every 18 months, and your old model would have no resale value. Each new model would be bigger that the previous one, require more gas, and would operate differently. Furthermore, parts from the old car would not be interchangeable with the new car.

You could call a special phone number when you had a problem. The phone would be staffed by people who know less about your car than you do.

There would be a special Macintosh model, powered by the sun. However, it would only run on 5 percent of the roads and require different driving skills.

You would have to spend additional money to buy the operating manuals.

The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single warning light: “This car has performed an illegal operation.”

Before engaging, the airbag system would display a message, “Are you sure?”

Every time you looked under the hood, an obnoxious cartoon character would appear and ask if you need help. No matter how many time you refused help, it would keep appearing.

A special feature would let you automatically record the route for a particular trip, so you could repeat the trip automatically later on. However, after repeating the trip you always end up at a different location.

Link dump

Originea numelor formatiilor muzicale. Pentru cine s-a intrebat cum de au ajuns oamenii la nume dintre cele mai ciudate, iata raspunsul.

De atractii turistice si aglomeratie, m-am tot saturat in calatoriile mele. Adeseori imi doresc sa descopar acele locuri mai putin cunoscute sau vizitate. Sau acele locuri mai putin accesibile. Aici e nevoie de ceva cautari si documentare anterioara. Dar iata si o lista a unor locuri pe care oricat de mult mi-as dori sa le vad, nu voi reusi prea curand. Si, de altfel, mai nimeni nu prea va reusi.

Cand am descoperit linkul urmator, primul lucru care mi-a venit in minte a fost Tom Hanks in The Terminal. Pe scurt: un om ramane blocat intr-un aeroport. Dar care ar fi cele mai "dorite" aeroporturi in care sa ramai blocat?

Munca romanilor in strainatate este de mai multe feluri. Una din cele mai raspandite este furtul. Si suntem si artisti in asta. Dar, ca orice meserie, si aici exista uscaturi. Un exemplu elocvent este exemplarul urmator, care a reusit sa se blocheze intr-un geam si sa ramana si fara pantaloni. O priveliste excelenta pentru politistii ajunsi la fata locului.

Arta e inteleasa de fiecare in felul sau. Si fiecare pare sa o inteleaga din ce in ce mai abstract. Iata un exemplu de manifestare artistica a unui sculptor chinez: taurul cu propulsie proprie...

Si acum un exemplu impresionant de a intelege si de a te exprima artistic: picturi murale. Si unele sunt chiar superbe.

2 sisteme asemanatoare, 2 aprecieri diferite

Secolul trecut a avut 2 mari mentalitati criminale: nazismul german si comunismul rusesc. Totusi, cele doua au fost vazute si apreciate diferit. Daca nazismul a fost condamnat si a fost necesar un razboi pentru a il indeparta, Stalin, unul din exponentii principali ai comunismului a reusit sa-si cladeasca o imagine de mare lider si salvator, fiind de altfel regretat la moarte. Si astazi el este cunoscut drept omul care a transformat Rusia dintr-o tara agrara intr-o mare putere mondiala. Dar asta s-a realizat cu un cost uman mult mai mare decat cel platit de catre nazisti.

Am pus mai jos doua documentare: primul este un documentar francez, "Nuit et brouillard", realizat in 1955. In 30 de minute rezuma cel mai bine ce au insemnat lagarele de concentrare naziste. Al doilea este putin mai lung, 90 de minute, si prezinta viata lui Stalin. Merita vazute pentru a avea o imagine asupra conceptului de lider autoritar si sistem ce-l deserveste intru totul.

Tot ce stim noi despre universul in care traim

Un filmulet facut de catre cei de la Muzeul de Istorie Naturala din America. Pleaca de la cel mai inalt punct al planetei noastre, Himalaya, si cartografiaza orice obiect spatial cunoscut pana in prezent de catre noi.

La Orange vechii clienti sunt pedepsiti

Despre Orange si cat de "minunat" este a mai scris mikel aici cam anul trecut pe vremea asta.
Anu trecut a inceput tot cam asa: au aparut oferte care ofera mult mai mult decat ce avem acum la abonamente si mai ieftin. Evident ca orice om cand vezi asta vrei sa beneficiezi. Dar se pare ca nu poti.

Eu am abonament la Orange de 10 ani si ceva. Am un abonament de 3 euro (+TVA) si dupa multa bataie de cap si o optiune de 5.5 euro (+TVA). deci 8.5 euro + TVA. In asta am incluse 125 min nationale si 250 min in retea. Acum cu noile abonamente mai mult de atat as avea la 8 euro cu TVA inclus. Sun la ei ca vreau sa imi schimb. Raspuns evident nu se poate. In sistem nu se poate decat Delfin 12 sau altele mai scumpe (pantera de exemplu). Nu vreau asta. Vreau ceva mai ieftin care sa imi ofere chiar mai mult (cum s-a intamplat la Vodafone doar ca la ei esti sunat sa ti se propuna variante mai bune).

Ma duc in magazin. Evident primesc acelasi raspuns. Ok... nu imi convine... ce pot face. Nu, nu se poate facturile mele se pare ca le spun altceva (?!)
Alta problema a fost cum s-a comportat acea "pitzi" de la magazin. Asta e alta poveste.
Bun auzind astea si ca nu se poate cer sa imi inchid abonamentu si sa deschid altul. Nu se poate.... evident ma enervez. Bun... cer portarea. Acu trebuie sa gasesc o retea care sa ma primeasca....
In aceeasi situatie a fost si tata. Dar el a fost sunat dupa ce a plecat de la magazin de catre un consultant care i-a oferit ce a vrut. Eu nu. INCA. Astept.

Asa ca declar decembrie luna luptei impotriva Orange.
Daca suntem de mai multi ani la ei chiar nu meritam nimic?
Perfect atunci mai exista alternative.

Friday laughs

Changing a bulb

How many academic librarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Just five. One changes the light bulb while the other four form a committee and write a letter of protest to the Dean, because after all, changing light bulbs IS NOT professional work!

How many reference librarians does it take to change a light-bulb?
(with a perky smile) "Well, I don't know right off-hand, but I know where we can look it up!"

How many book publishers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to hold down the author.

How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?
"Do we have to get author's approval for this?"
Two, one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb.

How many proofreaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Proofreaders aren't supposed to change light bulbs. They should just query them.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end.

How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to tell a long story about it.

How many literary critics does it take to change a light bulb?
Literary critics don't know how, but rest assured they'll find something wrong with the way you do it.

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Things you don’t want to hear at the tattoo parlor

* Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE.

* We’re all out of red, so I used pink.

* There are 2 Os in Bob, right?

* Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy.

* That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie.

* Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups.

* Anything else you want to say? You’ve got plenty of room back here.

* I’ll bet you can’t tell I’ve never done this before.

* The flag’s all done and you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect.

* Oops….

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Rejected Dictionary Entries

ADULT :
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR :
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL :
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS :
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE :
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST :
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST :
Someone me-deep in conversation

GOSSIPER :
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF :
Cold Storage.

INFLATION :
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO :
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN :
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET :
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON :
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE :
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW :
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN :
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES :
Something other people have. You have character lines.

Friday laughs

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man, Jack, started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

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A woman gives birth to a baby. Afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, “I have to tell you something about your baby.”

The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong???”

The doctor says, “Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”

The woman says, “A hermaphrodite… what’s that???”

The doctor says, “Well, it means your baby has the…er…features… of a male and a female.”

The woman turns pale. She says, “Oh my God! You mean it has a penis…AND a brain ???!!!”

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Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering.

The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head.

The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."

"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.

"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!" he insists.

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A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from K-City to Chicago. The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother couldn't think of an answer. So she told her child to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and posed his question.

The attendant smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"

"Yes, she did," replied the boy.

"Well, then," said the attendant, "you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time.

"Have your Mom explain that to you."

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A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling..

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi .

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

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A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants...

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, this is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

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Chang Man Yong works on a collective farm in North Korea. He goes fishing, gets lucky, and brings a fish home. Happy about his catch, he tells his wife: “Look what I’ve got. Shall we eat fried fish today?”

The wife says: “We’ve got no cooking oil!”

“Shall we stew it, then?”

“We’ve got no pot!”

“Shall we grill it?”

“We’ve got no firewood!”

Chang Man Yong gets angry, goes back to the river, and throws the fish back into the water. The fish, happy to have had such a narrow escape, sticks its head out of the water and cheerfully yells: “Long live General Kim Jong Il!”

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Interviewer: Just imagine you are in the third floor, it caught fire. How will you escape?

Man: It's very simple i will stop my imagination.

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Little Johnny was in his math’s class one day when the teacher singled him out.

“If I gave you $20,” the teacher began,” and you gave $5 to Mary, $5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?”

“An orgy,” Johnny answered.

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A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.

“Looking at your résumé, I can see that you’re more than qualified,” says the interviewer. “Unfortunately, we can’t have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can’t hire you.”

“But wait,” says the man. “If I take two aspirin, I stop winking.”

“Then show me,” replies the interviewer.

So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.

“It’s great you stopped winking,” says the interviewer, “but we can’t have our salesmen womanizing all over the country.”

“What do you mean?” asks the man. “I’m happily married.”

“How do you explain all the condoms?” asks the interviewer.

“Oh, that,” sighs the man. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”

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Friday laughs

Teenagers and cats common things

* Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

* No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

* You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

* Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor you teen will ever crack a smile.

* No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.

* Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

* Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

* Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom.

* Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.

* Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times.

And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

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10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

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Why Beer Is Better Than Religion

* No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

* Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex.

* Beer has never caused a major war.

* They don’t force Beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.

* When you have a Beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to give it away.

* Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.

* You don’t have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

* There are laws saying Beer labels can’t lie to you.

* You can prove you have a Beer.

* If you’ve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

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